BUAT AKU LEMAH LUTUT.....

If only I can take out my heart and put it on a table, it would be blackened and tattered and torn, unrecognizable as a heart anymore. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I don’t know how to love anymore. I don’t know how to trust anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore.
How did I get up so deep up in this shit?
What have I done to deserve this?
I never played with people’s feelings before.
I never expected anything from anyone before.
I just want you to accept me and love me and be with me forever.
Is that so hard to ask?
Is that so hard to do?
Is that such a miracle to happen?
Is that such a big of a thing to ask?
Why?

i met a couple of you's, but i never met him. yet.

During my 6 years of being a student, I have been through a lot. You name it, I got through it. Backstabbing friends? Being alienated? Being so alone that you want to take a time out so that you won’t go insane and get into an asylum? Crying alone at night and wake up in the morning feeling shitty? Being with a jerk who just knows how to manipulate you and downplay you to your weaknesses?

I don’t know man. I think that I had enough of all this bullshit.
Enough of everyone having a say in my life.

Enough of everyone trying to tell me what is right and what is wrong.

Is it not that we made mistake and we learn from it?

Instead of having to thread carefully and not making any wrongdoings at all for fear of not being accepted and not forgiven.

I am tired. And I am just 24.

God bless those people who can remain positive through out their life.

Motivating others and saying that all these bad things and misfortunes will past.

If you want to trade brains I will be your best candidate.

Because I am seriously sick and tired of making the wrong decisions and being the only one who bears the consequences.

Everybody say that it is easy. I am difficult and I am a sore loser.

Try being me and having everything and everyone that you love taken away from you.

Or rather they ran away from you when all you needed to hear is the truth.

And gazillion questions in your mind remain unanswered because they are just cowards who won’t own up to their own mistakes.

Did you ever love me? Did you ever think of me the same way that I think of you?

Did you really mean the words you say or you are just lying at my face?

Did you lay awake at night, regretting those things that you say that hurt me?

Did you ever feel remorse? Did you ever wish that you can take away every pain that you have caused me?

It is just so unfair. You played me but somebody still accept you. Somebody will be there for you. Soon.

Where do I go from here?

FOR WHAT?

Being at a crossroad in your life must have suck. But then again, what is life but a series of choices.

Especially me who has been always making the wrong choices ever since I could remember.

But the choice to further my studies was a blessing in disguise.

I have learned so much, more than I could ever imagine. I doubt that if I did not further my studies, I would be the same person that I am today.

Along the way though, there were some bad choices that I made. Some people that I should have never met. Some things that I should have left alone.

However, what life is but a series of unfortunate events and mistakes?

Those people that have made me tempestuous in nature, those that have made me think over and over again about how much I worth, those that made me cry every night again and again over the same reason, those people that made me who I am today.

I have never in my life intentionally cause you hurt and make you feel that I am a bitch.

Right now, sitting here and typing this make me wonder whether my life would take a different turns if I had not met you.

Maybe my life would not be the way it is now.

Maybe I could sleep better at night.

Maybe I don’t have to worry about being alone because solitude is familiar enough to me.

Maybe I would not waste my tears on useless people like you.

My sanity is tested time and time again.

For what?
I wonder.

FOR ONCE

For once, I'd like to break up with a man that really loves me.

MOTHERFUCKER

From the moment he was born, he became a nuisance to the family. When he was little, he always made his mother fell ill with all his antics. He made his brother and sister so annoyed that they don’t want to be near him let alone took care of him. He was like the black sheep of the family, he was unwanted and he was not needed in that family. He was a mistake that should never have been done.

He grew up, lacking of love and attention. He looked for it elsewhere, in the forms of destructive friends and lustful love. Friends come and go, claiming they know him more than his parents do. He wanted to be with them more than he wanted to be with his family. Family? That has become an alien word to him. Friends are everything and female friends are of boon to him.

Since he was blessed with extra height and a body that looks tough with no workout, and he is armed with a sweet mouth who utters words that will melt girls all over, he takes advantage of every girl that he knew of. Money, expensive presents, exotic delicacies, anything and everything that he could ask for, his female friends will get it for him. He feels like a king. He is on top of the world. He doesn’t like to go to school, so he ends up with nothing in the education book. He just laze around, his mom and dad meant nothing to him, just two people who would bail him everytime he broke up and his ex asks for her money back.

This guy is Mohd Am**u* Am** bin C** Ra***d. Location: Klang and Shah Alam. Drives a white Viva. WSK 9***. If you ever met him, say hello to him. That coward who changes his phone number after every relationship, for fear his ex will call him up to ask for her money and her stuff back. If you value your money and your self-worth, don’t ever get involved with a super-jerk like him. The type that leeches off other people, trying to get with you so that you would become the man and support him. Mouth prone to defame his ex. Backstabber. Master liar. And extremely delusional (after 2 weeks he will probably talks about marriage and changing cars and sharing the monthly payment with you, except the only problem is he doesn’t work and if you fell into his trap, you would be paying and he would be driving the car). Seriously, men like him are probably the biggest mistake that his parents made.

WTF?!!!

It's a good age to go.

AACR

Orang kalau dah berak tepi jalan, memang takkan mengaku.

Sama la kalau kau dah buat taik dgn aku, memang kau takkan cakap “ye, memang aku yg buat taik ngn kau”.

Pengecut. Kau dah tipu aku, makan duit aku, keluar dgn perempuan lain tp kau ckp “I love u”, “ma, jgn tinggalkan pa”, “ma, pa takleh hidup tanpa ma”.

Lepas tu, kau kurang ajar maki aku ‘bodoh’, 'sial'sedangkan sape yg bodoh dan buat kesialan dlm situasi ni?

Kau nak nombor handphone mak bapak aku, kononnya aku pakai tudung tp buat perangai dgn kau?

Apa kau ingat mak bapak aku akan percayakan kau? Yang diaorg baru jumpa setengah jam bila breakfast dgn family aku hari tu?

Family aku yang kau desak2 nak jumpa walaupun kau dan aku baru nak kenal2?

Lepas tu, kau bawak mulut ngn kawan2 kau kononnnya aku ni tunang kau dan kau sibuk, tengah buat persiapan nak kawin bln 7 ni?

You are one delusional boy. Yes, you are. Indeed. You need help with all the delusions and the lies and the screwing around and the life that is going no where.

Your parents are not going to be around forever and help you out in every clusterfuck that you got yourself into.
And no, those women that you played will not be around to help you everytime when you need money, sex, transportation, and food. Or even a place to stay.

Bahira, stop being a magnet to losers and bad boys. They are baaaaaaaadddddddddddd for you.

HIATUS

I think I will have a time out from love.
I survived without it for 21 years of my life.
It just too much I can’t take it anymore.
I just can’t bear with all the lies and deceits.
Getting hurt? I am way over that.
If you can see my heart, I think it would resemble a heart anymore.
They say don’t give up on love. I think those people must have been pretty lucky and found the one.
I haven’t yet met the right one.
I thought I did, but then I realize I was wrong.
He was not the one. He was the one right now. Not for tomorrow, not for the future.
I refuse to believe that no one is out there for me.
What a life would that be without no-one to share it with.
God, I hate this.
I hate thinking that this would never end.
I am tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of being lied to.
If you don’t want me, just say it out loud.
I don’t mind the rejection.
Just don’t take my heart as a game that you can kick around.
My love is not for sale.
It is only for a man who is worthy of my trust.
Are you?

ALL FOR YOU, MY DEAREST SAM.........

Go and watch it...you'll drool over the guys and the cars....two perfect combination for lonesome Saturday afternoon...or Wednesday afternoon..or as a matter of fact, all afternoon...

SO HARD

It is so hard to find one decent guy that you can call your own nowadays.

Or maybe I am just some fucking loser who cannot get a decent guy.

Cheat, lies, deceits. I don’t know how you sleep at night after you spin all the web of bullshit.

Maybe these people deserve an award for multi-tasking.

Juggling between minions of girlfriends (or boyfriends, like I said bitches applied to women and men).

Having two, three numbers for different purposes, in order to easily get caught.

Privatizing their facebook or myspace profile, or better still, having two separate accounts for the double lives they are living.

‘Sayang’ for no 1, ‘baby’ for no 2, and maybe ‘mama’ for no 3.

Bravo. You deserves an award.

Liars.

Cheaters.

Deceivers.

I hope your future significant gives you one hell of a multi-tasking tornado.

So, you know how it feels like.

I hope you meet a master liar, cheater, and deceiver so that you know how much it hurts.

In the meantime, keep going on. Who knows one day, the truth will come back and bite you in the a@#.

SHITSTORM

Which is worse, having a guy physically in a wedlock , but you know deep down, his heart does not belong to you OR knowing a guy loves you so much, he’d do anything for you but he is physically attached to someone a.k.a legally bonded to some other woman?

Why is it that some people just could not make up their mind of whom they want to spend the rest of their life with?

Some people already know who is the one but then did not have the guts nor the will to break out and tell everyone who she/he wants for fear of rejection and scorn and having her/his entire family lashing out on them. Not to mention the person she/he is having relationship with and their family as well.

Love is such an elusive thing that you’ll be lucky to find it in the right person, during the right time, and under tolerable circumstances. For those out there, who have such a smooth sailing in love relationship, I’d say good for you. Because there are more out there who have to endure such dramas when it comes to having someone to fall back on to.

Why is it so hard for two people to be together? Because when two people fall in love, there are not the only two individuals in it. Other people are affected as well. Unless both of them have no relations and only live for themselves. Which is very hard to find, because let’s face it, no matter how old we are, we still have to think of our parents and other people who think that they have a say in who will wake up with us for the rest of our lives, who will watch us snore at night for the rest of our live, who will keeps us company in the labour room, who will stay up with us looking for baby names, who will comfort our child when he/she is being bullied by the kid form hell in school…gosh, it is so hard nowadays to really find someone that stay with you no matter how horrid and ghastly you become, not to mention how horrid and ghastly your creation is (refer to the kid from hell).

Which brings me to the justification that some people are alone, still, after numerous flings because having real relationship is just too taxing. Too much responsibilities, too much tears to cry, to many times heart being broken, too many months in agony, too many games of ‘he loves me, he loves me not’…and the list goes on. Why go through all those hassle? Better be alone. But human do not want that. Human needs companion. That’s when the problem starts.

TO THREAD CAREFULLY

Men cannot sleep without having a warm body beside them.

Well, so do women. But you don’t see women ogling at man, the way men “sweet2” at women in a very pathetic manner.

Seriously, I would never understand men.

When he could not get the girl, he would be busy whining and talking about the girl who just won’t respond to him. But once he got the girl, that is when he started to take the girl for granted and thought that the girl would be there waiting for him and never leave him no matter how shitty and inhumanly he treated the girl. When he lost the girl, the lovesick mode came back on, and he started to stalk the girl, begging for her to come back to him. What is with you, men?

It is not easy for a girl to fall in love, because if the love doesn’t work out, the girl will suffer most. Women, being the more emotional being of the two sexes, will ponder over why did the boy leave him and what is wrong with her when in fact the psycho is the boy who is too ungrateful to think that he could treat the girl for granted and got away with it. And don’t assume I am a feminist when I appear to be bitching about men because take note, this situation can be reversed if the girl is a whore who thinks she can get away with having countless boyfriends.

What I am trying to say here, is, karma is a bitch. And that applies to both male bitches and women bitches. Or does the bitch refer to karma…hmmmm