FACADE

So, as you all know my school came up second place in a national level competition which we have been gearing for since last year. The prizes? RM3.5K, Microsoft Surface, trophy and certificate.

Almost a year of hard work and thousands of ringgit (trust me, that 3.5K times 6 or 7 to get the amount that we spent for to get into the national level) and the energy and time by everybody in the school (not just the teachers and students but parents and staff) to put our school at par with 15 other schools all over Malaysia.

How I felt couldn’t even justify the sleeplessness of keying in data (since I’m Guru Nilam so that means I have to key in volume of books read by every students in the school for both BM and BI from January until the end of the school semester) for 2012 and 2013. The increment of my spectacles’ power seemed belittled by the rewards that we got from the competition.

What I gained from the competition was not from the crowning moment itself but the ‘Bengkel Kerja’ a day before the actual event where library teacher from the school selected needed to demonstrate and justify why their school was selected to represent the state. Corporate video and powerpoint presentation flashed through and the recurring pattern was how every school highlight their participation and excellence in all aspects from district, state and national level for both students and teachers. I felt like I was in some bid to host the2020 Olympics. Every school brought forward their achievements and kept pasting it at our faces like their lives depended on it. Where was the school built for nurturing children instead of a factory to produce students who get straight As and make their mark in sports and other academic competition?

And then we are worrying about how our students have no balance between work and play. And how during exam fever, we heard stories of suicidal teenagers and teenage runaways who just could not cope with the pressure of excelling to their fullest potential. How stressed it is to be the pillar of hope by parents and teachers alike who pushed these kids (they may be big physically but deep inside they are still children who like bubble gum and cartoons) who always reminded these children the importance of studying and playing in sports but forgetting that these children are in fact, children, who need comforting voice telling them that “Hey, it’s okay to fail once or while” and “It’s not the end of the world” if they didn’t get that number one spot in the classroom or if they didn’t get first place in that competition. I looked at the corporate video and I could taste bile in my throat. How I would not subject my kids to torturous routine that makes children today unable to enjoy their childhood. Seriously, how many kids today have the time to watch the rainbow or enjoy looking up the stars at night? They are more worried about missing their extra classes and weekend tuition.

Such a sad and sorry state of children today. Makes me think a thousand times about bringing one into the world. Why would I want to bring a child up just to bring him/her down with high expectation and unrealistic hopes placed upon his/her little soul? Unfortunately, that’s the reality today and by the way the society is putting emphasis on overall excellence, I think it is still a long shot until we finally realized we are going backwards instead of forward.

HYPOCRISY vs HONESTY

Office politics yet again in this post.

You would have this trying too hard to be perfect colleague who would constantly talk about how perfect her/his little family is. How bright his/her children are. How doting his/her spouse is. And yayayayadadadada.

And usually this little person would try his/her hardest to fit in into that exclusive little group in school. So he/she would organize a potluck event where he/she pretended to cook for everybody but at the same time, asked for money, albeit indirectly for the sumptuous meals that he/she begrudgingly prepared (yes, these people don’t understand the concept of potluck).

So, you have to choice. One, you pay the price, albeit begrudgingly because you don’t really like what’s on their menu. Two, you decided not to show up for the gathering and didn’t eat the dishes prepared and didn’t pay for it because, hey, like any logical person would think, why pay for shit that you don’t use/eat/take?

Nevertheless, both options have their consequences. One, if you voiced out your opinion about you not liking what’s on the menu, you would most probably be labelled as a sourpuss or party-pooper because you don’t have the ability to pretend for a second that you actually can stomach the dishes. Hey, people value hypocrisy than your honest opinion. Two, if you didn’t pay and didn’t eat, that particular little person would brand you as anti-social and refuse to sit next to you when they see you at the canteen.

Now, normally, me 5 years back would say, Fuck You and just walked off. But since I’m turning 27 this year and slowly try to accept the fact that we live in a community, it’s pretty much sucked a lotta ass when you are not behaving according to the norms, which you deemed are trivial and not vital to your humane existence.

Now me, I don’t really give a shit if you want to act tough with me. I survived 6 years of mental and social torment which I believe was partially my fault. We were all young and reckless and believe our lives were more important than others.

But when you’re older than my mother and acted like a little kid, sulking just because people don’t want to eat your cooking, you’re just asking to be punched in the face. Grow up! Just because your husband does not provide the positive reinforcement needed to make you feel better about yourself, don’t give others shit for your husband’s job to tell that you’re pretty and sexy everyday.

If I were living in an alternate universe where social rules do not apply, I’ll happily walk away and never turn back. Unluckily for all of us, we cannot just walk away from our jobs and people who make it hard for us to ignore them. People who are only nice to you when they need something from you and pretend not to see you when you’re of no use to them. I’ve experienced a lot of encounters with people like this and frankly, I’m getting sick and tired of being chosen last. Being befriended when there are nobody left. Do you know how repulsive that is? To be alone and left alone at any opportunities that arise? It makes my stomach lining curl up and bile coming out of my throat. That’s how sick I am to all these pretentious bullshit around me.

P/S: I heard one of my colleagues quit teaching due to stress. Pretty soon, a lot of young teachers will follow suit. If things don’t change.