THIS IS REAL

This is my life.
An imaginary guitar and a fake vocal miracle.

Mounting assignments, seminar presentations and article critique.
Unit presentation and portfolio.

What else can you do when you are living with your parents and single?
I have no husband to obey or children to attend to.

Pros: I won't have to pretend I like his dick or I love my children all the same.
Cons: The loneliness got so bad that you just want to curl up and die slowly inside.

I hate to admit it and I don't show it.
But I swear every little details and hints of happiness kill me.

After a while, not even a pair of brand new shoes of the smell of new handbag can cure this hole inside me.

I have so much angst and misery inside me that if those emotions were energy it could light up a house like the fourth or July or the thirty first of August (depending on your geographical mindset).

I know I did not dare to show it, to show my true emotions for fear people would think I am a whining bitch (I am in fact, a whining bitch, I hate my body, I hate my hair, I hate my boobs, I hate my skin and the list goes on and on).

It's getting tired and tricky every single day to act like I do not give any single damn but I swear inside, I am just dying for someone to hold me and just hug me even for a split second to tell me that everything would turn out okay in the end (even though it is not true, because life is a bitch).

Do I regret not finding someone sooner (or dumping those sons of bitches who did not deserve my love in the first place)?

Do I wish for a simpler life where back when I was in Form Five, I was not given an opportunity to study what I had studied and became a teacher?

Do I think of what could have happen if I opted for a different course back then and became a doctor, software engineer or a lawyer instead?

Do I regret signing that contract, slaving myself to a system for five years so that I could not pursue a PhD on a full time basis and just have to resort to obtaining a Masters degree?

Yes to some questions and No to others. If this the price that I have to pay for having a decent and secured job (while having to do redundant clerical tasks and tolerating bastards who ought to be kicked out of school), with a Masters degree in another semester time (same old, same old things over and over again every semester),  living with parents where I do not have to pay the rent and utility bills (have to care, cook and sometimes cut my invalid grandmother's hair and enduring my parents PDAs), so let it be. Other people could be thinking suicide under worse circumstances.

Does that revelation shocked you? That I am thinking about suicide on a daily basis? I did before (when I jeopardized my study for one low-life who just wanted me for my assignment writing ability or group presentation mobilizer) and I am thinking about it now and I will be thinking about it tomorrow and the years after that. Every single day. Every single time something bad happen to me. Every single time someone left me alone and refuse to sit next to me like I have some kind of contagious disease. Every single time someone called me names, making me feel unworthy to live. Every single fucking day. And you think it is easy being me. And you think just because I am single so I have no commitment so you can make snide remarks about me.

It's like BDSM minus the pleasure, only torturous pain and never ending suffering.

GOLDEN KEY

So, I got an invitation letter to join Golden Key International Honour Society..
What is Golden Key? Here's the introduction page on their website, http://www.goldenkey.org


As an international honor society with more than 400 chapters at colleges and universities around the world, Golden Key is committed to a high standard of scholastic achievement, and an ethos of integrity, innovation, respect, collaboration and diversity.

With more than 2 million members, including honoraries like Desmond Tutu, Elie Wiesel and Bill Clinton, Golden Key carries an esteemed legacy of achievement. Members are a community with a linkage to widely respected individuals and ideals … all part of the continuum of excellence.

Golden Key offers its members exclusive opportunities and connections through $1,000,000 in scholarships and awards, partnerships with major corporations, career advancement and graduate programs. The Society also works with university faculty and administrators to develop and maintain one of the highest standards of education in the world.

Well, I must have done something right to be asked twice. I have been asked to join this society before this back when I was studying for my first degree. But back then, I did not have the money nor the credit card to pay for the registration fee. Now, as I am studying for my second degree, I think I would join the society, just to know what it has in stores for me. And I think, I need to borrow my father's credit card...heheheh

Ungrateful Little Shit

You want to fight?

You got it little shit.

WE MISS YOU, MJ

"They Don't Care About Us"

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Situation, aggravation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
Bang bang, shot dead
Everybody's gone mad

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

Beat me, hate me
You can never break me
Will me, thrill me
You can never kill me
Jew me, sue me
Everybody do me
Kick me, kike me
Don't you black or white me

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

Tell me what has become of my life
I have a wife and two children who love me
I am the victim of police brutality, now
I'm tired of bein' the victim of hate
You're rapin' me off my pride
Oh, for God's sake
I look to heaven to fulfill its prophecy...
Set me free

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Trepidation, speculation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
Black male, black mail
Throw your brother in jail

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

Tell me what has become of my rights
Am I invisible because you ignore me?
Your proclamation promised me free liberty, now
I'm tired of bein' the victim of shame
They're throwing me in a class with a bad name
I can't believe this is the land from which I came
You know I really do hate to say it
The government don't wanna see
But if Roosevelt was livin'
He wouldn't let this be, no, no

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Situation, speculation
Everybody litigation
Beat me, bash me
You can never trash me
Hit me, kick me
You can never get me

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

Some things in life they just don't wanna see
But if Martin Luther was livin'
He wouldn't let this be, no, no

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Situation, segregation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
Kick me, strike me
Don't you wrong or right me

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about
All I wanna say is that
they don't really care about
All I wanna say is that
They don't really care about us

CHALICE

Just because you wear the dick,
Doesn't mean you can call all the shots.

ME

Sometimes, I am puzzled when people say, "Get Married, your life will be easier".. Easier in what sense, I ask myself. I see a lot of my friends, crying out publishing weird and mysterious status on facebook about trouble in paradise. Am I willing to let myself be weighed down by another human being who pretend to accept me for who I am but try to change me in little ways to his likings?

Another famous saying concerning marriage is "My husband likes me when I ________". Fill in the blanks. Why do you have to live your life according to rules and regulations by your significant others? I thought that people need to respect and accept each other when they are in love. But noooooo, we got to change our partner to suit our needs.

You have lived successfully on your own for your whole life and suddenly when you are married, the table turns in an instance? Why? I know wives are suppose to be subservient and adhere to their husbands whims and fancies, but nevertheless, is it worth it losing who you really are just for the sake of being with somebody who could not stand who you really are so much so that they have to change you into 'someone better' or so they say and you just let them do it to you because you think that you love your partner too much that if you don't change, your partner will leave you for 'someone better' (according to them)?

I know some people might say, well you are one sore hag who is so overweight that nobody wants to have a second look at you, that is why you are rambling here. Well, I am all those things but I value my individuality too much that I am not willing to be sacrificed for the sake of not being alone in this world and later regretting my decision to get married. I want to be free and inspired to be whatever I want to be. But I know, my weirdness and quirkiness might be too strange for someone to accept (while I was doing my first degree, I listened to Slipknot and my room mate ran for the hill as she thought I was practicing Satanism). Who would love a hair thinning, morbidly obese and emotionally unbalanced individual like me?

That's why every time TV or shit movies lie to the audience with some unacceptable happy endings where everybody loves everybody in the end of the movie, I can't help to scoff at the unreal situation. But then again, isn't that why we love movies so much? Because it depicts perfect people having perfect life, some sort of escapism from our rubbish and hellish life?

KELANTAN: THE LAND OF LIGTHNING

I seriously felt fed up with the people that I meet today. I am currently doing an assignment on the morphology of the word Pantai Cahaya Bulan (PCB), which refers to the place that I am staying in right now and also one of the most famous tourism spots in Malaysia.

So, I went to Kelantan Tourism Information Centre, but the word Information there is just for decoration purpose only. En Roslan, the front desk person was more preoccupied to satisfy the need of a couple of FOREIGN TOURISTS rather than helping a fellow Malaysian, scraped that, a fellow Kelantanese. Why would you put someone who is clueless about the history of one of the most visited and must see places in Kelantan?

Then, under the scorching hot sun, I walked to Muzium Negeri Kelantan. The ticket seller outside the office was busy reading the newspaper and barely spoke when we asked him the question. we went inside the office, greeted by a heavily pregnant lady who then went inside the air-conditioned room and informed us that the honorary researcher, Tn Hj Salleh B Akib, also did not know the history of PCB. He did not have enough courtesy to come out himself or invite us in to tell us himself than he did not know. I found it rather surprising that a senior researcher like him did not simple facts about a famous place like PCB. However, the pregnant lady asked us to go to Majlis Perbandaran Kota Bharu-Bandaraya Islam (MPKB-BRI) which is across the street.

The only consolation for today that we got an interview with En Hasmi bin Mohd, the officer at the Zon Perhubungan Awam MPKB-BRI. Kudos to him for living up to the name of his department as he treated us nicely and agreed to be photographed and interviewed.  He also suggested that we went to Arkib Negeri Kelantan to look for more information.

 En Hasmi B Mohd, Thanks a lot to you!!

After that, we went up five flights of stairs to the said Arkib. Inside the Arkib, we found old editions of URTV’s and some journals and of course, the officers there did not know about PCB.

As a last resort, we went to Lembaga Pengalakkan Pelancongan Malaysia but their officers were having a meeting or too busy at the moment. Then, we went Bank Kerapu but the ticket-seller asked us to go to Muzium Negeri. By that time, I lost my ability to be mad so I just walked out without saying anything else. Thanks a lot for your ‘bountiful’ help! No wonder people outside Kelantan don’t really like our attitude since we place little or no respect at all for someone who is trying to know more about our cultural heritage.