EMPTY

Once in a awhile, I get this sort of feeling of hopelessness. Everything adds up to one big hole inside this even bigger hole called my heart. I know it sounds so melodramatic and people give me all sorts of suggestions, maybe you should g to the gym, maybe you should get married, maybe you should find God. Trust me, it doesn’t work. Nothing works. Nothing surprises me anymore. Nothing can invoke the slightest emotion in me. It’s like there is a big black hole inside of me, really big black hole that would swallow me whole if I let it.

Even with people around, I still feel out of place. I never stop feeling out of place. I never stop feeling people only need me when they need something from me. I never stop feeling I am worthless and I am not worthy of anything. I never stop feeling I am falling and it just won’t stop and if I am dead one day, only then, I would stop feeling. But we never know what would happen if we are dead, right?

No amount of material things could make me happy. They said you should see other people happy in order for you to be happy. I bought stuff to the people around me and see them happy and it makes me happy, only for a second. Only for that brief moment and then that feeling disappear altogether. I taught at an urban school before and a lot of the kids there have divorced parents. Parents who bought them expensive gift (to bribe their love, probably) and still I see their empty stares and upside down smiles and now I know how they feel. Having parents and having everything that they ever wanted. Yet, still feeling empty.

All that money in the bank, still makes me unhappy. And when I am unhappy, I watched depressing movies. For example, Her. Have you ever watched that movie. It is DEPRESSING with a capital D. it is about this guy who got divorced and living a lonely life until he bought an OS (Operating System) and he fell in love with it. It referring to the OS. And they have a relationship (not that it is surprising, by the way we are always ogling at our phone and tablet, I’d say it is a big possibility that 10 years from now we will have people getting married with OS’s). Soon, he got too involved and he got jealous of the OS who apparently has a life (even more of a life than him, the human) joining chat rooms and stuff. And eventually, she walks away (well, not literally) but she left him. An OS left a human being. An OS cheats on a human being. How’s that for show?

Do you get that feeling of loneliness? When watching a movie is like stab to the heart. Because the loser in that movie is you. Me. Who got shitted and cheated over and over again. Like a sore loser. Whose life only revolves around thing. One thing that I claim I never need. But I think about it every single waking moment of my life. LOVE. As if that can cure everything. I had it. I hated it. Still, I think it can cure me of anything. Because that how the movie always ended. The loser ended up winning in the end and get the girl or the boy. But that not how it works in real life. Nobody gets everything they want in life. You might get married. But then your spouse lives far away. You might be rich but your other half cheats on you. You might be spiritually connected but you feel envious of others and cannot help to criticize what they did because you believe they are not up to your standards. You might have a loving family but inside you crumbles silently because it is not your place to complain. And if you have all these and still feel empty, join the club. I am not married. I am not rich. I am not that spiritually connected. Still, I feel worthless and dumb and loserific.

And you know you will live with it, day in, day out.