TIADA ADA

Atas bawah, kiri kanan, depan belakang
Semuanya kau sapu.

Tak kira elok ke, busuk ke
Semuanya kau layan.

Entah jadi, entah tidak
Kau diamkan saja.

Entah betul, entah tidak
Kau iyakan saja.

Apa kau letak dalam kepala tu?
Ada otak, tapi bodoh
Ada akal, tapi bacul
Ada hati, tapi mati.

JANGANLAH

Janganlah kau sombong sangat
Aku tak nak duit kau pun
Kau datang sini pun sekekap saja
Esok lusa kau blah
Aku tak rindu kau pun.

Janganlah kau bongkak sangat
Kau rasa kau pandai
Kenapa kau kat sini?
Semalam pun kau terkial-kial
Aku tak kisah pun

Janganlah kau perasan sangat
Muka kau bajet lawa je
Tampal bedak pekat sekati
Jerangkung pun lari
Aku tak heran pun

Kau makan nasi, aku pun sama
Takde banyak beza kau dengan aku
Takyah la nak langsi sangat
Jangan sampai aku rasa nak ludah-ludah je muka kau tu.

One of the feelings that I had to have is the feeling of helplessness.

Not being able to decide things for yourself, not able to steer your life the way you want it, having to wait for people to do something that you can by yourself- all these bullshits really mess with my mind.

I hated not being in control of what I have to do, of what I have to plan, and the thought of having to stall your life just because other people don’t do their work is just mere frustrating.

If the universe has simple order of things to keep life going, then human beings too should have some order to keep their life to spin out of control.

And that power to keep things in order need to be agreed upon so everybody would understand the role they play instead of keep pointing their fat finger to one another for fear of admitting their own mistakes because they were just too afraid to admit they screw up.

I have my ego too but when it comes to admitting mistakes, I shut up and stop pretending that it wasn’t me. One thing is because I suck at pretending. I don’t know how to butter up something so that the bitter truth would not spill out like bile rushing out of your throat. If you know me, I have straight face and to make it simpler, if you see me you would say that “muka takde perasaan”, which I found very insulting and demeaning, likening the fact that I am like a stone cold bitch who feels nothing.

Maybe their words came true like a prayer because there were a lot of emotional scarring which happened to me, so much so that when another one happen, I don’t know how to react and that causes me to keep that straight face. Not that I have no feeling, but then my heart becomes harden by every single turmoil and by now I have learned that nothing can deter me from that straight face and nothingness that I feel inside me.

I want to feel again. I want to anticipate things. I want to hope on people. I want to feel sad. I want to feel happy. I want to feel hurt. I want to feel something. Because it scares me not being able to feel anything at all, like I am not living a life.

BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT.
THAT’S WHY I HAD TO HATE YOU.
YOU AND YOUR MINDLESS MINDFUCKS.
YOU THINK YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH?
YOU BARELY PASSED THE TEST.
YOU THINK YOU ARE IMPORTANT ENOUGH?
YOU ARE NOT TO ME.
YOU WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
YOU ARE JUST A PAWN.
YOU ARE IRR3PLACABL3.
NOTHING AND NOBODY NEED YOU.
YOU ARE JUST A FORSAKEN SPIRIT.
WONDERING AROUND ON AN EMPTY STEP.
MOTHERFUCKING BITCH.
GO TO FUCKING HELL.

BODOH

Kalau kau tak busy sangat main Zuma, maybe kau boleh cari No Gaji aku.
Internet tak dapat konon, kenapa wifi aku ok je?
Kerja kau, suruh aku buat.
90 dengan 01 bukan sama.
Bunyi pun lain.
Pekak sangat ke kau ni sampai tak boleh nak bezakan kedua-duanya?

WHAT DO I WANT?

Lelaki bersuara garau, berdada bidang, berkulit sawo matang, bertanggungjawab, berani, berbudi-bahasa, berdikari, berpandangan jauh, berhati mulia, berfikiran matang.

Perempuan lemah lembut, gemar memasak, ayu, bertudung, sukakan kanak-kanak, pandai mengemas rumah, menerima lelaki seadanya, sopan, rajin, menghormati orang tua.

Ciri-ciri atau kriteria di atas adalah antara “checklist” apabila seseorang itu mencari pasangan hidup. Kita semua mahukan kesempurnaan. Walaupun pada hakikatnya kita sendiri tak akan menjadi sempurna sehingga dunia ini kiamat.

Kita cenderung mencari orang yang lebih segala-galanya daripada kita. Kita merasakan kita berhak medapat segala-galanya dan orang lain yang hendak memikat kita haruslah melayan kita ibarat raja/permaisuri. Kita mahu semuanya tersedia apabila kita menjalinkan satu ikatan dengan orang yang kita percaya akan memberikan kebahagiaan pada kita sehingga akhir hayat.

Tapi, langit tak selalu cerah, awan tak selalu biru, cuaca tak selalu baik. Kadang-kala, langit akan menjadi mendung, awan akan jadi kelabu dan cuaca akan menyusahkan kita. Kita mengharapkan yang terbaik tapi apa yang kita dapat hanya mengecewakan kita. Kita mengharapkan janji dikotakan, dan harapan jadi kenyataan. Tapi banyak yang terjadi, janji tinggal janji dan harapan selalunya musnah.

Apa lagi yang kita cari dalam hidup? Adakah semata-mata untuk bertemu dengan seseorang dan menghabiskan seluruh jiwa dan raga kita pada satu orang sahaja yang belum tentu akan mewarnai hidup kita dengan warna-warna pelangi? Adakah hidup hanya mengejar cita-cita dan kebendaan yang tentunya tidak dapat dibawa bersama apabila kita mati? Atau adakah hidup hanya untuk mengabadikan diri pada kepercayaan yang kita yakini sejak azali?

YES, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Yes, I know you are admired by a lot of people.
Yes, I know you are the most awesome person on planet Earth.
Yes, I know you would love to hurl that shit up to my face.
Yes, I know you have people waiting for you here and there.
Yes, I know if you don’t have me, there’ll be nothing to lose.
Yes, I know I was nothing but a dot on a big, empty, whiteboard.
You could easily erase me if you want.
You just did.
Stop it with the eraser.
Stop it.
Are you trying to erase my existence?
I know you are itching to do it.
Go ahead.
Do it.
Now.