Bangkok Trip_14191218

First day: Chatuchak Weekend Market, Sea Life Bangkok and Madame Tussaud Bangkok.

THE L WORD

“I wish I’d done everything on earth with you.”

That’s what Daisy said to Gatsby when she first met him after 5 years.

Which is total bullshit. Because in that 5 years, instead of waiting for him, she got married to Tom Buchanan. Had a baby. All that despite Tom’s cheating ways.

While Gatsby fought in the war, and built his life up to be a spitting image of Tom, an affluent man, in his bid to win Daisy back.

Daisy is a bitch. There I said it.

While Gatsby looked at Daisy like she was the last drop of water to quench his thirst. Like she was the last sliver of light in his darkened world. Like she was the last breath of oxygen to keep him alive.

Obsessive love? Yes it is.

Is it dangerous? Absolutely.

But it is even better to live a safe, mediocre life where you do things just because other people are doing it. Getting married for example. To the person they have zero love for. Just because it’s time and people are saying unsavoury things to unmarried people. Just to satisfy the expectations of society. Letting go of that one person who truly cares and loves them just of the promise of a secured life. Later, in the middle of it all, feeling regretful for choosing to listen to others’ whims and fancies instead of following one own’s conscience.

Someone says I’m a romantic. Not a practical person. I agree. Yes, I am cynical. But I am trapped in the body of a person who truly believes true love will prevail. I also believe all those corny love quotes are trash. At the same time, I still love reading them. I hate happy endings because not all of us got our own happy ending. But I still watch those movies and cry when the girl eventually got what she wants. I am a living contradictions. I am tortured. Into believing and hoping and eventually get eggs on my face for believing and hoping. Fuck this.

I want to be single yet the temptations of being in a relationship overpowers me. I want to not give a fuck but still, I give a fuck. Because I just don’t love casually. I throw caution to the wind. And that’s always my mistake. Do I learn from it? No. Would I still do it? Yes. Would I get hurt again? Yes, again and again and again. Would I stop doing this to myself? Absolutely not. Because above all, I believe in the greatness of love.

HELL

I guess I am not in the best place right now.

Hence that is why I kept writing here, which I don’t normally do if things are going right in my life.

It keeps getting tiring to explain yourself to people when you don’t even know what is going on inside your own mind.

I really wish I can stop feeling and thinking and just live my life as it comes day by day.

But as I get older, I feel like life has no meaning and we are just waiting around to die and leave this planet to go somewhere else more permanent.

I swear before that I won’t adopt this defeatist attitude but yet, here we are again.

I have not been able to finish a single book this year. I cannot sit still and watch an entire movie in one sitting anymore. I don’t know what force in the universe is pulling me into this deep dark hole.

I just wish there is a switch I could turn off to stop me from feeling this way but apparently it is not so easy. Sometimes, I wonder why me? Of all the other people, why was I chosen to feel this way? I am 32 but I cannot wait to die.

I should be at the peak of my life. I have a good career with reasonable pay. I have an awesome car and on my way to buy my own house. I have a functional family and a caring partner. Things that I have been praying for. Yet, why do I still feel this way.

To others, my pessimism might be mistaken for being ungrateful while other people are still struggling with the basic necessities of life. I, on the other hand, have my life together on the surface but go deeper and you’ll see how broken I am still.

It’s getting a little repetitive. Explaining what I don’t even understand myself. To people who try to help but could only offer general  solutions to a universal problem.

Why are there so many unhappy faces on this world today? I wonder, is it genetics? The food and drinks we consume? The people we surround ourselves with? I am truly baffled. Truly.

I wish there is an answer or a stop to feeling like everything is wrong when in reality, nothing is wrong. Just to feel happy again, without inhibitions and without worrying things will eventually go wrong so there is no point to truly work towards it because in the end, everything crumbles anyway.

I keep thinking to end it all, again. Seriously thinking about it. But I can’t. I have too many people who would be pissed if I seriously end it all.

GOD, take me out of my misery. Is this the price I have to pay for all the bad shit I did in my life?

I did not feel like this back in school. When I got to college, that was when the clusterfuck happened. I was invisible in school. I went to a high performance school. So everybody was special that I was overlooked. But in college? That was where I shone.

I read English which I have always loved. I did all my assignments diligently and submit them on time. Thus, others called me teacher’s pet and accused me of trying too hard to please all my lecturers. These people were the same people who borrowed my notes and assignments. Add an asshole boyfriend to the equation and voila! We have the perfect case of budding depression and anxiety.

When I got to work, during the first year, my mind was still not in the right place. It was hard. People assume I am anti-social because I pretty much kept to myself. The truth was, I was struggling still. I was in a limbo. How can you pretend to be happy when deep down inside, you just want to crawl in your bed and never leave it?

I am a tortured soul. I have everything. Except fucking happiness.