It’s been almost 5 months since the change took over. Before this, less responsibilities, less power, and complete ignorance from the outside world. Since I’m working, heaps of responsibility, more power and utter realization. Some of the aspects of my life took a wild turn while others pretty much remained stagnant.
I had to be considered as one of the lucky bastards who got sponsored to study. Even luckier since I studied English, which has been my passion. Even when I was in school, I felt that the only interesting subject was English.
I think in English, I speak what I meant more accurately in English, sometimes I even dream in English. It has become a big part of my life, even imbedded in the way I think and how I perceive things and people.
My playlist is in English, there are no Malay songs in my laptop (except for some very good melody from local artists) and all my books are in English. 99% of my DVD collection is English movies (the other 1% is Malay movies featuring my favourite Malaysian actor, Sam Shaheizy).
English has helped me to shape who I am today. I wanted everything to be short and sweet because the English language is like that- everything is so direct and straightforward. You say what you mean, and you mean what you say.
This nature of English moulds me to be a person who does everything directly. I don’t have a hidden motive when I do something just for the simple fact that I don’t know how to cultivate a hidden motive. This is a boon- it helps me to be a better person at times, but it can also be a bane- as in when a person has a hidden motive against me, I don’t know how to detect it. For instance, my ex-boyfriend of 3 years pretended he loved me while in fact his hidden motive is using me to complete his assignments and abusing me to feel unworthy of his affection. While my other ex-boyfriend was pretty sure to marry me while his hidden motive was to suck off all my money because he was and still is a lazy bum who depended on others to pay for his car, his prepaid reload, and probably even his underwear.
English, for its simple nature also indirectly causes me to look at things and people differently. I learn not to be judgemental and accept people for their eccentric qualities- whatever rock their boats. Even I have some skeletons in my closet, some dirty laundry that I will keep mum and bring with me to my grave. Everybody has a personal life and whatever they want to do with it is fine by me-as long as they are not a pain in my ass. That’s why I’m so baffled by other people who would talk shit about me when they know nothing about me, even more so when I keep quiet and do my own stuff. I don’t hurt anybody by keeping to myself and I’m comfortable with silence. Just because I don’t talk much does not mean I don’t care. Just because I seem not to care does not mean I don’t feel hurt. Ever wonder why in the Malay language, there are a lot of proverbs and sayings about meddling in people’s business, for example,
“Mengata dulang paku serpih, mengata orang dia lebih”
“bagai si kuali mengata si teko hitam”
“jaga tepi kain orang”
Those are just to name a few- it shows that we, the Malays love to intrude in other people’s affair. Some say that it shows we are a caring society , while for people like you and me who aren’t exactly angels, we prefer not to have our indulgences become an embarrassment, thank you. Don’t get me wrong, I love people caring about me, wanting to know about me, inquire about my state of health but I despise personal questions which are so constantly and continuously asked like,
“Dah ada boyfriend ke belum?”
“Bila lagi nak makan gulai/Bila lagi nak kenduri?”
Hey man/dude/auntie, if I were to get married or consummated a relationship, I would do it in my own sweet time, when I’m ready to assume the status of wife and child bearers.
In terms of my perception of issues/things/situations, I learn to view everything as simple as it should be. I worry sometimes, thinking about how I can’t do this and that, but I believe everything will run its natural course if you don’t force it too much. This again has pro and con. Pro: when problems arise, I know better than to whine and complain- suck it up and just do it. Con: when something good happen, I don’t really feel excited because I had learned to take things naturally.
So, despite all the things that I went through, if I were given the chance to be someone else, to be able to do things differently, I would still pick Bahira- because there is nobody else like Bahira, there is one and only Bahira that I’ve ever known, literally and metaphorically.
