A VALUABLE PIECE OF PAPER

So the other day, I posted a status on my FB, informing to whomever it may concern about a post-grad programme in the area of KB.

It is under a university in the southern state, but the lecturers will come to Kb every weekend to conduct class at the only university in the area of KB.

Apparently, the university needed another 5 students to be able to open up a class here in KB. As of last week, they only had 20 students.

The post only got one comment. And that is from a course mate of mine who is now in Sabah. She seemed interested to further her studies as well and asked for the phone number of the course coordinator. Aside from her, nada nothing zip.

I don't blame others for not wanting to further their education. People have different priorities and they ranked education not in the first place like me. Or maybe they do, but there are so many challenges that come with furthering your study that some of them just forget about the idea altogether.

I heard from my junior who is teaching in an MRSM somehere in the neighbouring state that even her weekend is packed. She worked (according to her) 24 hours a day. I think she is also the warden there. So, basically, her time is full with the school which is also her second home.

Lucky me, I got a principal who understand my ambition to have a Masters degree. She tolerated my absence (with reason) for not coming to extra class for English during the weekends. I'm also lucky to be living with my parents who always encourage us (my brother and I) to study for as long as we're still breathing. My parents always tell us they have nothing to give us, materialistically, only knowledge that we have can save us and can keep a roof under our heads and food in our mouths.

I believe it is also a blessing in disguise that I am still single, so I don't have husband or children at home waiting for their mom's home-cooked meals during the weekends. Because truth be told, if I were a man and my wife has her weekend full with class and assignments and presentation as well as final assessments, leaving no space for family affairs, I'll be pretty pissed off too.

And truth be told, although sometimes my eyes popped a couple of blood vessels and migraines continously come and go like a forsaken lover, I still slap myself and say to myself, "Suck it up, bitch!" and take every assignments, presentations and test in between school work, even during the holiday, what's with PMR and SPM marking and the jitters of teaching Form 3 and Form 5 like a boss!

This is the choice that I made and I will continue with it until I get that valuable piece of paper. Although to pursue a second degree affect nothing in terms of my profession (I'm not pursuing a second degree in order to be confirmed as a 'lecturer' like UiTM 'tutors' in the same course as me) and no particular monetary gain is acquired (my salary will not be affected with a second degree), still my love for knowledge compelled me to pay RM 1800 every semester for 6 semesters in order to get that piece of paper with my name and my achievement on it.

Some people might say it is a waste of time, as with my first degree, I could directly pursue a PhD, yet I believe rather than waiting for 5 years after my contract is void (I was a government scholar so I have to work with the government for 5 years or I'll have to pay RM 180 000 to redeem my scholarship) to study full-time, I better start with small steps first instead of taking a giant leap. And with pursuing a second degree, my weekends are filled with beneficial activities (going to class, listen to boring lecture, waiting for people to have a break for one hour while you sit there with a glassy look in your eyes because you-are-so-bored-you-could-die, chit-chat and shit like that). I just could not sit still and let the times passes by (actually I can, I once watch a marathon of Steven Spielberg's movies for 6 hours straight) without doing something.

And truth be told, if I don't get my ass up and do something, I will think of all sorts of weird shits that I'm not supposed to be thinking of. And then, I'll put myself in a bad mood for thinking the shits that I'm not supposed to be thinking of in the first place. I think of all the people that have hurt me and how it would be nice to see them suffer the humiliation and sorrow that I have to go through, but that is a different story and you might not want to read about it here.

So, there you have it, why I sacrificed my weekend to get a second degree. Hey, everybody has to have something that will make them worthy. For some people, they got married. Then, have babies. That is their achievement in life. And I respect that. As for me, since nobody wants my fat ass let alone my charming personality, I resort to books and journals and thesis statements and linguistics evidence to support my essay writing. I guess what I am saying is, do whatever makes you feel worthy. But sometimes, it is sad to see my intelligent friends not wanting to share and spread that intelligence. Because I know these people have what it takes to mentally and physically answer the challenge of getting a second degree. But again, to each his or her own.

H20

Why the double standard?

Just because I cover my hair so I cannot say something bad?

I'm sick of people judging people based on their personality and their appearance.

Grow up. People are different because if we were all the same, we might as well not be called human. People are different because they just are. Why would you want to question people on their choices in life or why do you like to judge people based in what they did in the past instead of enjoying their company in the present?

It's not like you are free and virgin from any mistakes whatsoever.

Everybody makes mistakes. Live and learn to ignore it. Unless that mistakes cause you great pain or unbearable shame, learn to let go and accept people for what they are.

If that person does not cater to your holy standards, then just shut your mouth and move on. Do not expect people to change or do not try to change their perception. Cut those people some slack. They have been believing their way is the right way for their whole life. It is not easy to just change that in an instant. The easiest way is to accept people for their quirkiness as do not expect them to be just like you, to like things that you find should be liked or to hate things that you find repulsive.

I'm not trying to be Miss Potty Mouth but people swear once in a while. For some people, more than others. But then again, you don't know their pain. You have no right to judge them by your standards. The least you could do is advise them and hope they change for the better, not hope for the worst to happen to them. I might be say fuck once in a while but you don't know that I just said that to align to my tough exterior while the truth is I cry every night before I sleep because nobody likes me and every time, I end up being alone no matter how hard I try not to be alone. People make promises after promises and in the end, I end up being the idiot while other people find someone new and move on and live a great life.

You don't know what I have to go through so do not ever try to tell me how I should live my life. I never tell you what you should do with your life so stay off mine.

COME AND GET ME

So while I was at SMKPE for the assembly thingy, I received an SMS from my fellow JUK (facilitator) who was also in the same position like I am; have to mark both PMR and SPM, while being facilitator for that iThink thingy.

The meeting, after countless meetings which caused a hole in my pocket, we have to travel to various districts in Kelantan except my own to attend this half morning meeting, 'discussing' things before the actual course which will be conducted in two phases; the first phase 19-22 (which I cannot possibly attend since I will have PMR meeting on 19 and 20, SPM from 21-23, and on the 23, I need to present my final assignment for my MA programme) and the second phase 26-29 in Terengganu.

The teachers from my school already received the call letter today but no letter for the JUK. My, isn't that supposed to make us feel special.

When they wanted us to go for the initial course to train us into being JUK, they called, SMSed and e-mailed us, pestering us to go there. I had to sacrifice one week of my holiday time to attend the course. There, all of the teachers who were trained to be JUK were monitored by them like hawks in the sky; they even know I went out on one particular night to meet up with my friend while I was there. They, on the other hand, escaped most of the time, tagged team as if person A and B showed up on Monday while C and D escaped, A and B would not be present on Tuesday, C and D would take their place and signed the attendance for them. Is that integrity to you?

Yesterday was the last meeting before the actual course is carried out. And yesterday was also the last day for the PMR meeting. So, understandably, the other JUK and me were not able to be present. So, I heard from the other JUK that they are pissed at that fact, and even more pissed due to the fact that we won't be able to attend the first phase on 19-22 since that particular week is the same week for final meeting for PMR and first meeting for SPM.

Now, what made me pissed was the fact that when I received the letter for PMR meeting and SPM meeting, like a month ago, I quickly called them, twice and SMS them, but they did not pick up my calls or reply to my SMS. So, why the fuck would they be pissed when I have already informed them like a month ago about the clash of the dates and my inability to be present at that particular dates for both the meeting and the actual course (phase one). So, when they want us to do something, they would call, SMS and e-mail us. But when we have problem , they just ignore us and make their own assumptions. Such a nice and profitable agreement on their part.

By marking PMR and SPM, I would probably be getting more than two thousand RM for both tasks. And that money can be used to pay off my MA fees, my car insurance and other bills. Why would I be stupid enough to let go of both jobs for the sake of being an unpaid JUK? What do I get out of being JUK? I have to spend my own money to go for meetings at the other end of the world as opposed to where I'm living in. I have to do extra paper works and give short course to other teachers in my district for free. And I have to put up with reporting back to them of what I have done in school. I get nothing out of it. Nothing.

The truth is, that SMS that I received totally spoiled my mood or else I would have put in some nice words about iThink and would  most probably upload the picture of the iThink booth and the video of TPM mentioning higher order thinking skills in his speech at the GM1M thingy this morning. I can be an agent of information and can use the Internet to spread good news about iThink and how it can help to foster critical thinking skills to students. But that SMS and how they treated me just put me off my mood to even talk or mention about iThink in my blog or in my Facebook account.

What I'm asking is not to be treated like such an important person. But just to be treated humanely and with respect. We are all adults. Why would you act like such a kid? Why you are being such a jerk and ignore people's problems when they ask you for help? And they ignored us and we made our decisions, they have the nerve to be mad at us. Now they are panicking as they will lose two JUKs for the first phase. Why do we to do all the job, facilitating and shit when they were also present during the training course back in KL?
This is one of the reasons why many teachers are fed up and bored with the teaching profession. Not so much on the teaching part but because of the bureaucracy craps. We are passionate about what we do but these little things just give you away, making you hate what you do.

FIRDAUS

So today is the 111/9 English paper. All those night classes, staying back after school until 6 in the late afternoon and running and catching students to get into morning classes finally ended today.

While I was at PKG Cherang Ruku, attending the meeting for PMR paper marking, one of the teachers at my school called me to ask a strange question. Apparently, one of the students from my 5MPV class was still not present at 8.10 a.m. albeit English 1119/1 (essay writing) had begun at 8 a.m.

The strange question was “Is this kid a student who always fail in the English paper (for monthly tests) or is he one of the targeted passing students?”

What made me wonder is why that question is asked?

Is there some sort of double standard between the Target A students and failing students?

Hell yeah, there is!

If the student who was late this morning is one of the Target A students, betcha not one, two or three teachers would be scrambling away to call the students, the parents or even to the extent of getting the home address and fetching the student to the school and lay out the red carpet for that student to walk on.

But since this is one of the MPV students, nobody gives a shit. At least the shit given was not much.

I must admit that there are some kids that I just want to spit on their faces. Or maybe karate chop on their heads.

But again, these students deserve equal opportunity at being successful. Getting out of where they have been stuck in for like the rest of their life. SPM is it.

It’s a ticket to a world that is just waiting to be explored.

What would it make us if we differentiate students based on how many marks they get in the exam. Sure, I get pissed at those shit heads who won’t just quit talking when I am straining every inch of my limited vocal range, explaining stuff in the classroom. But to deny these kids the chance to sit in the exam? That is just plain evil. And wrong.

I’m not the most morale person you would ever have the chance to meet, but then again as bad as I am, there is still compassion and humanity left in me. Or maybe I’m just over-thinking and over-analyzing that question. Maybe the teacher who called me did not intent what I was thinking of at that point of time.

Well, back to the late kid. It turned out his motorcycle ran out of gas and he had to walk the bike all the way to the petrol station and that took him 50 minutes. He arrived at 9 a.m. and only had 45 minutes to answer two essay questions. I heard his eyes were watery due to what happen. What pained me was he’s a good kid. Quiet and never disrespect me as his English teacher. So, if it were some shithead, I will not feel anything? I would still feel something but I would also think that it was God’s retribution for him. But in this late kid’s case, I guess it was just God’s way of testing him. May he will be rewarded handsomely for his patience and perseverance. Still coming to school despite being tired after walking the bike for 50 minutes.

I’m not going to talk about his parents, why they did not do something to prevent that misfortune from happening. I guess they got a good goddamn reason for letting their son who is an SPM candidate to drag that motorcycle all the way to the petrol station. They must have their own excuse for letting that kind of incident happening.

The bottom line is, sometimes, bad things happen to good people. Hopefully, in around 5 months time, he will be receiving a very good reward for what he had to endure today.

NOSEBLEED

I had a nosebleed today.

Blame it on working 12 hours straight, discussing PMR papers and judging how many marks should be allocated for each script like Paula, Simon and Randy (that’s the last American Idol season that I watched so I have no inkling as to who are the new judges now, plus I don’t have Astro at home).

 When I told my mom who was intently watching this Malay bullshit drama on Tv3, she said “Panas kepala la tu.” And continue watching the stupid ass actors and actresses in this unbelievable and plastic storyline of a drama. Mom, I never had a nosebleed before! This shit it serious!

Before I got back home, I made a detour to my course mate’s house. She got the note from last class which I escaped and got home early because the lecturer was as interesting as watching a rock. It’s better I taught English to some hormonal i-don’t-give-a-shit-about-my-future kids who sat for SPM, starting today. English 111/9 paper is tomorrow. I prayed to God they would remember to replace the pronoun properly for the reading comprehension as well as the essay writing. Just don’t let them fail and ruin their chances of getting out of where they are now and venture into the outside world.

When I got to my course mate’s house, she told me that us, young teachers have to go to a school on Thursday for some sort of gathering. Failure to do so will result in getting disciplinary act. Since when teaching and learning involve supporting political parties and action can be taken to reprimand those who fail to show up because they got million other things to do at school on the last day. For instance, closing the class register, checking the stock for next year supply of Nilam record books, completing the teaching record book, getting signature to certify tasks completed, passing up important forms and million other things to do like what I said earlier. Seriously, if they want to get the support of us, young people who made up the majority of the votes, they should not hace forced us to go and pretend like we enjoy being there. Because the truth is, we don’t. Not one bit. How can my showing up there, imply that I’m loyal to the country and patriotic enough to leave my designated day job to waste time just to satisfy the statistics needed to make it look like that particular party has so many support in the state they are dying to take over again?

Don’t get me wrong. I still don’t like the ruling party now. There’s nothing being done after more than 20 years they are in office (and it’s likely that they will rule for the next 5 years if coercion remains the modus operandi of the other party to gain support). If my parents weren’t permanently staying here, I would have moved somewhere else. Moreover, I was schooled in a public institution, was a government scholar and now a government servant. It’ll be pretty dang stupid and ignorant if support none other than our Malaysian government. In addition, in my humble opinion,  other people who took the RM500 and RM100 for every kid they got in school, plus KWAPM and Ekasih and all sorts of other financial help are indeed morons who are ungrateful enough to bite the hands that feed them by supporting another party that brings nothing to the state they are governing.

Sorry for my foul language but indeed, some people need a giant hammer to knock on their heads to wake them up.

Nevertheless, any event this big should take into account the majority and their troubles to be present. We’re not complaining but as least have some compassion and show some understanding to our predicament. It’s not that we don’t care, but patriotism and being grateful can be shown in a lot other ways. In fact, at times, for people who don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves, these notions of loyalty and gratefulness are shown only through their hard work and never ending sacrifices. For instance, giving after class tuition and night class, coming to school on holidays for both administrative and academic-related tasks, sacrificing leisure time to mark PMR and SPM papers, spending your own time and money to go for courses, dirtying your car to send students to and fro for things that sometimes are not even your responsibility but just because you live near the place the students were supposed to go to, people ask you to help them send these kids who don’t even thank you for carrying their bitch-asses there and spending time, even longer than necessary to do unnecessary stuff that would not benefit you professionally nor intellectually. It’s hard when you work with people because people can physically and emotionally hurt you, can answer back to you, can be pains in the ass for you and they can look you in the eye and pretend to be nice while in fact they are botching about you behind your back and lie to your face about it.

I hate my life. I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I hate being born.

OF MUSIC AND CLEAR SKY

The CD that I’m currently listening to Doo-Wops and the Hooligans..

 For those of you, slow poke out there, this is the first album by this hottie with perfect pearls for teeth.

For those slower poke out there, it is an album by Bruno Mars.

At first, I was skeptical to buy the album and listen to this so-called pop thing.

But I was proven wrong. He is talented. A talented producer, writer and most of all, singer.

His music sounds sincere and it shoots straight to the heart. Because he wrote songs about things you and me endure in everyday life; being heartbroken, saying promises to stay with the person you love forever, to sacrifice and hold on through whatever shits that happen or just lounging away doing nothing in your underpants.

I guess that what makes him great. He could sing those songs from the hear because he really meant it. And he worked hard to get what he wanted in the first place.

That, and I always have a thing for guys who could play instruments or have perfect teeth or could croon you to sleep singing "If perfect what you're looking for, then just stay the same."

It's not that I SOFTEN UP but I guess those long, sickening years listening to thundering drums and screaming vocals could make you want to be happy and listen to easy listening and radio friendly songs.

On the other hand, betcha would not hear this guy on your local radio.

I started listening to Marilyn Manson at the lowest point of my life. When everybody ignored me, saying that I was being a suck up to the lecturers at my teachers' training college. There was this super cool guy that was into anything Japanese and when he recommended MM, I almost fell off my seat because I thought he was sort of an Eminem guy because he also loved breakdancing. I love MM because he is poetic in a way. I almost fell off my seat again when my friend who introduced MM to me owned a complete Shakespeare works. Man, I was a dork back then. Back to MM, his songs have double meaning and tell even bigger, more important issues despite the expletives used in those songs. He talked about religion, social strata, politics and censorship. With titles like 'Pretty as a Swastika' and 'Dope Song' and debut album entitled 'Antichrist Superstar', this guy is not the poster boy in every teenage girl's bedroom. Nevertheless, I think listening to MM CDs make even smarter!

The same goes to Atreyu. A bassist coursemate of mine introduced the first Atreyu song ever to me, 'Lipgloss and Black'. Despite the screaming vocal and deafening music, it is a song about a heartbroken guy. How sweet is that? 

MM is a lot alike to SOAD. I first listen to their first album (a cassette, specifically) borrowed from my friend at college. This band are all Armenian American as they have rallied for years and I foresee, for many more years to come to make the American recognized the Armenian genocide tragedy. Kim K is not the only famous Armenian American. These guys have been around even before Kim K's big ass was showed on TV. They talk about drugs, American's prison system, war and so much more. Again, after listening to their songs, I feel smarter! Because I would Google up the issues brought up in their songs. Trust me if you want to be good in English, listen to these kinds of  music. Music with substance.

These guys, I stumbled upon myself. During my first degree time in that God awful teachers' training college, I was always bored out of my mind so before I could buy my own laptop (I saved up for 3 years to buy a laptop and another year to buy a scooter), I hanged around at this cyber cafe near the college. And they have this booklet with music videos and mp3s. You can choose which song you want and burn it into a CD. My very first CD was with Slipknot's music videos in it. My roomate ran for the hill because she thought I worshiped Satan. People are always afraid of what they don't understand. And they are too dumb to ask.

So, I listened to metal and that don't make me a Satan worshiping person or make me deny my true faith. It is just music. But to me, music is life and vice versa. If I had stayed in Seremban, I might have taken up a violin lesson or play the guitar. But here it is so hard to find a decent music school. Maybe after I am finished with my second degree, I would try to find a good music place here to pursue my second passion aside from English.

All in all, you should not judge a person based on his music preference. What sounds good to you might make other people's ears bleed. What bust your ear drums might have help that person from thinking of suicide every day and hating herself. To each his or her own. Deal with it.

SPM IS TOMORROW, Y'ALL!

When I  got out of a Form 2 class for Religious Studies exam, I heard of the students said “yes!!!” as he now could copy his friend’s answers as I was being strict during my period, invigilating the exam. Even at that age, these kids have no respect what so ever to the sanctity of education and they have no idea of the importance of examination. No real-life motivation, nothing to prove by doing well in the examination. Nobody to be proud of their exam results. As for them, exam is nothing but a competition where who can get more marks without reading any single damn thing or without paying any nanoseconds of attention when the teachers are teaching in the classroom.

And now with the implementation of Penilaian Berasaskan Sekolah or PBS, for short, God knows what would happen to these kids. UPSR and PMR will be abolished (UPSR will be no more next year and PMR will be obsolete the year after next). These kids would not experience the pressure to do well in exam. They would not be toughen up, attending school in the morning and going to tuition in the afternoon and extra class in the evening. They would not know how it feels to have very little sleep to cram the whole textbook or notebook within one night to face the exam tomorrow. Most importantly of all, they would not know nor can they taste that bittersweet feeling when victory is finally theirs after a long, hard road leading up to success.

Sure, PBS has its own reasons to be implemented. Policy makers claimed PBS will lessen teachers’ burden and students’ pressure to do well in the examination. Teachers can sit back and relax since the school would not be pressuring them to come to school after class or during the evening or while other people are enjoying school holidays to do Golden Holiday or extra classes or last minute preparation for exam. However, such is not the case. Such is not the reality. Even before PBS is wholly implemented next year, teachers are already complaining about PBS. An average classroom holds 40 students. How can 1 teacher gave a fair and objective assessments to each and every one of these students? What happen if the teacher herself is the mother of one of the kids in the classroom? Wouldn’t that create a conflict of interest? How can a mere mortal be absolutely earnest and honest to award these kids and place them according to their supposedly ability according to bands (Band 1 the lowest and Band 6 the highest)?  And imagine the work burden for teachers who have to key in every mark for every student in the classroom in an online system which is unstable and takes forever to be fully displayed?

Sure, the intention of PBS is good. To value students’ uniqueness and evaluate them on their own terms. Not by a standard performance. However, the truth is far less interesting than the fantasy and romantic notion of being able to cater to each student based on his or her performance. In Japan, or in the UK or the US, the average students per class is much lower than the students in Malaysian classroom? When we are trying to be fair to students, we are indirectly depriving them of valuable lessons to be learned from striving hard to do well in exam. Don’t judge me like a dork, I hate exam myself. Who likes exam? That person must have some brain damage if he likes pressure intentionally. Nevertheless, exam is one of the ways to make us tougher. To make us endure and appreciate delayed gratification. To teach us to be responsible for our own mistakes and to make us learn not to repeat those mistakes ever again.

Sure, exam is hard. Life is hard. Not every question that you imagine would come out in the exam. Not every topic discussed in the classroom would come out in the exam and students can graciously answer every single point according to the sequence which it was discussed in the classroom. exam teach us spontaneity is a surprise element. The same goes to life. Not everything that we plan will go accordingly. Sometimes, we are faced with problems so big that you could not even breathe to get out of the problem. The same situation during Add-Maths exam where you are given the formula but for the love of God, you have no fucking idea how to solve the equation. Or how about during Chemistry exam where you are given the Periodic Table, but for the love of God, you don’t have the slightest idea how to solve the chemical equation? Exam taught us to face problems as it hits us in the face. We learn to be thick-skinned through all the disappointment, failures after failures in the exam. Even from my own experience, if I didn’t enrol in Science Stream class, I would not know how it felt like hitting rock bottom, making countless attempts and still failed because I don’t have a fucking clue what the hell I was studying for.

Sure, everybody hates exam. Exam is evil. Exam is the source of pain and sorrow. But some people don’t need a hammer on the head to wake them up. They need a frigging machete to split their head in two so that they would wake up and realize life is no fairytale. By studying, feeling frustrated, failed, tried, failed again, prayed, being hopeless, failed, never gave up and finally succeed; through all these fruitless attempts after attempts, can we finally taste the sweet and hard to attain fruit of success. Through exam, we know our limits and how far we can push ourselves. We know how to accept disappointment, how to never give up, how to clench out teeth when people annoy us by calling names like “fail”, “stupid” and other names that are easy to spell but hard to hear. Through exam, we live and we learn to be a better person, to let go when we already tried our very best, to never stop trying (hence the July paper for resilient students who do not wish to be contemplated) and finally to accept compliment when it is due.

Exam has become a part and parcel of the education business. What can we, teachers blabber about aside from doing your best, read the notes given, complete the exercise given and don’t copy or cheat in the exam? I’m going to miss exam. I would probably have nothing to nag about if it weren’t for exam. That’s our ultimate goal. That’s the end of the destination for our torturous journey. What would we look forward to if exam is not there?

P/S: SPM starts tomorrow. All I can say that never stop believing in yourself and never believe that you can’t do something until you try. The day that you truly FAIL is when you stop TRYING!