Sunday, January 26, 2014

FIRST CLASS HELLHOLE


It’s been a while since I posted to this blog. Guess you can say I was pretty busy with work and what not. Or you can also say that much hasn’t happened in my life lately. It is all a bunch of routine. Wake up, drive for an hour, zombie mode at school, drive for an hour back home, cook, eat, sleep, repeat.

Yesterday, I posted a status on facebook asking my colleagues what they hate most about their work. I think it is safe to say that any sane person in the world hate their job. No one really adores their boss, feel blissed at work and thoroughly enjoy their co-workers and accept them as families.

As for me, I love teaching but after my tyre was slashed by the security guard because apparently he thinks I am a snob and a kid called me an asshole (or rather, he wrote it in a hard cover library book) and having to endure colleagues who try to outdo each other with how many layers they have on their tudung, I started to see the bullshit of this job.

What used to be discovering yourself at school turns to mega nightmare of endless paper works and repetitive tasks. I guess I was shielded from this reality of life situations back in teachers’ training college. They don’t teach these things in there, y’all. Back then, everything is so idle that when finally that happiness bubble popped, you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere with rascals as students. Not to mention, bouts of depression when you are faced with things beyond your control and students who are out of control.

Like when I used to study there, what’s hard to do was surviving socially. The assignments and presentations? Piece of cake. But being socially acceptable, man, that’s hard. And surviving college, much more impressive accomplishment than getting a first class degree.

Now, at my workplace, which is a school (at the time when applying to be a teacher , I didn’t think that after 11 years of schooling, would I want to submit myself to years of antagonizing hell until I am 60 years old), I suffer too.

Because I pretty much keep to myself and not a gossiping bee, they think I am a snob and anti-social. The truth is, as a single lady with no kids, I don’t have anything to say when they are discussing which milk formula is the best for their babies. Or whose kids more As in PMR or SPM. Or whose kids are brighter, smarter, cleverer and what not. Or what about when they share sexual jokes on WhatsApp that I can’t join in because obviously, I am not married and I can’t drop this fa├žade of innocence and holiness that I have about me and join in the crude exchanges.

The same thing happens when they try to outdo each other in terms of who has the most expensive things, may it be, tudung, baju kurung, watches, hand bags, hand phones etc.  They show off their belongings and tell us how much they cost but at the same time, they keep complaining of the lack of money and when will the next pay day arrive. Bravo to them, they just show how conflicting ideologies could be fun.

And don’t forget about the most common problem. Others who want to shed responsibility so fast that they would make a cat running away from water seems amateurish. They invent some sort of excuses for not completing the tasks. And it the task is related to technology, the most common excuse would be “Eh, tak reti la”.

And also, DO NOT stare over someone’s shoulder when they are using the hand phone or typing on their laptop. PLEASE be aware of personal space. When people are crouching in front of their hand phones which have privacy screen protector or when they are plugged on their head phones, that means they do not want you to but your nose into their business. BACK OFF.

And also to those people who seem concerned that your status hasn’t changed since you first came to the school, BACK OFF too. You don’t know what the other person has gone through and you have no idea what experiences they have gained that shaped them to who they are today. And of course, if these people start matchmaking you, RUN. They don’t know what is good for you, hell, you don’t know what’s good for you but at least it’s you making all the decisions and not some smarty pants who think they are wise enough that they should try their hands at bringing two lives together.

And the grand finale, people who have no empathy. Who was born with a good pair of shoes that they see no need to walk in others’ shoes. Meaning, only seeing things from their perspectives instead of others. Who think what works for them will work for others too. The thing is, if you love the school so much and want to stay even after office hours, that’s your decision. Don’t criticize others who go back as soon as the bell rings. Maybe they have kids at home, a baby to feed, a septuagenarian to look after, or maybe their house is 50 kilometres away, like me. Like the other day, when one of my colleagues ask me why the rush to get home. Well, I don’t live 10 minutes away from school like you do. Even if you go back late and I go back early, you’d still be home first. So, to each his or her own.

With that being said, it is safe to say that horrible work place is a boon because it makes you appreciate what you have at home.





Sunday, January 5, 2014

Agro Jurnal@TV1, 6 p.m._050114

When I was in form 3 and was studying at SMKZ 1 (if you're a Kelantanese, you'll kniw what the acronym stands for), there wad a glimpse of me on national TV.

And today, my bro joinef the celebrity status in our family! (celebrity la sgt...)



Friday, January 3, 2014

MA APP LING UUM_CONVO SESI 1_301113

After six weeks of waiting, finally the official photos are here.

Here's one for you!


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

.....


At times, I just hate looking into the mirror. I hate my own voice. I hate touching myself at places which are bulging here and there.

I wonder what I was ever born and had to suffer hurt and pain from other people who seem so careless of the world around them. 

That’s just a dramatic effect to tell you I hated my life and work.

I had no problem abiding by the rules and doing the same things year in and year out. What I don’t like is the environment of my workplace, which in the word of every creative person or those who think they are creative, stifles my creativity and imagination.

With people so hypocrite, you’d think the Kardashians ain’t so bad after all. People who smile at you but behind your back, couldn’t seem to find enough words to describe you that would make the Grinch cringe.

People who cannot be reprimanded or advised, who believe they could possibly do no wrong and everybody is just stupid for not doing what they are doing; may it be, talking crudely about sex, getting off early from work or evading from tasks who are truly theirs but they manage to shift the tasks to others.

Men who do not deserved to be called men just because they are sexist pigs. Who think they have the right to criticize a woman’s body although they look like a bloated penguin.

Worse, even some women indulge in the sex talk just to be part of the clique when clearly, what they need to do is open their legs to their husbands not their mouths.

Maybe I’m not the one who “doesn’t go with the flow” and try to be accepted, but if being in means having to change who I am and indulge in some empty conversations, then I’d rather be an outcast.

Times like these I remembered every single thing that my ex used to say to me. That emotionally torturing bastard who cease my self-esteem to half a woman that I should be. Saying that “Apa guna belajar pandai kalau tak pandai bergaul”. That’s his exact words. Every single time he didn’t defend me instead lowering my standard to his, making me believe I didn’t deserve what I had. Didn’t suppose to be given what I had taken. Not worthy of living. I heard he had two daughters and I laughed, now he knew what my parents felt when I had a nervous breakdown after I found that after 3 years of bullshit relationshit, he was engaged and about to be married. I hope he cried when he held his daughters’ hands when his daughters bawled their eyes out after their boyfriends cheated on them. You might think I am heartless and I should just move on, but trust me, if you got fucked over by this psychotic asshole, you would wish the same things I just did.

What’s worse, everytime I got into contact with another man, I could never feel happy because I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something would go wrong with the relationship. I would wake up one day and find out that he had a wife somewhere or he slept with somebody else. In other words, even when everything is fine but I’d find some ways to screw it up because I felt insecure and it is better to break it off before I got hurt.

I could never feel good enough to deserve something good. Nothing excites me anymore. I am impervious to pain. Because, I have been royally fucked and nothing could be worse than losing your dignity.

If you are reading this, and if you have broken somebody’s heart because you can’t be satisfied with just one woman, then fuck you. It’s people like you who encourage suicide and emotional distress and I hope you got hit by a truck.