Sunday, November 28, 2010


Aku tak mau jadi Siti Salina,

Memikul biawak hidup macam Abdul Fakar.

Aku tak mau jadi Nahidah,

Ternoda dek jahat lelaki tak berotak, tergadai dek jahat wanita tak berfikir.

Aku tak mau jadi Zarina,

Melukut di tepi gantang, tapi tak sedar dek untung.

Kalau boleh,

Biar aku jadi macam Haji Karman,

Gila-gilanya pun, di dunia ada bakti pada masyarakat.

Biar aku jadi macam Si Bulat,

Nakalnya pun, hati senang dengan pokok pisang dan kambing-kambingnya.

Biar aku jadi macam Razman,

Berteman dengan buku, bermusuh dengan umpatan tak kena bidik.


Biar orang kata kita gila,

Biar orang kata kita tak serupa orang,

Biar orang kata kita pelik,

Asalkan kita tak menyusahkan orang,

Asalkan kita tak mematahkan hati orang,

Asalkan kita tak menyakitkan zahir batin orang.



Kita gila.

Kita tak serupa orang.

Kita pelik.

Asalkan kita bahagia.

Saturday, November 27, 2010


The cupboard is so big, when I put stuff on top of it, it almost touched the ceiling...

This flowery motif made me fall in love with this cupboard...
And peekaboo! The see through glass sliding doors are also very practical... even got a long mirror for my morning vanity check before I go to school...hehehe

Lots of compartments...hence, I can keep more and more trash!

Below, it has more compartments to stash away all those files and handbags...
The cupboard is a three-tiered wood finishing and the first furniture that I bought using my pay...huzzah!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Here’s some things I want to do but have no mood/no moolah/no what-other-reason-that-I-could-not-think-of to do:

  • Buy a car- I can’t be driving my mom’s battered old kancil forever, now can I? Need a car to commute to work but clueless about which car to buy.
  • Learn how to play guitar- before this it was no money for a short course at Yamaha Music School. Now that I have money, I have no time this holiday since I got to be Pengawas SPM 2010- gantikan cikgu yg dah meletop.
  • Fix my hard disk- which stores remnants of all types of different things like music, movies, video clips, pictures, my assignments since foundation course until my final semester. Aiyoyo, why la mau rosak pulak my dearie?
  • Buy a new laptop- my Acer bunny baby which has served me for the past 4 years, gone kaput. Suddenly, one day he decided not to wake up and ditch me forever and ever.
  • Buy a new compact powder- one is almost finished, another showed protest by breaking into tiny million pieces. Dang!
  • Buy books- it has been a long time since I buy some books. I got one tall cabinets filled with paperback and academic books and whatnot. Maybe I can open a library one day. And charge 50 cents each for people who want to borrow them. Business minded, aren’t I?
  • Buy Topman Jeans/Samsung Galaxy handphone for my bro- he has been wanting that jeans like forever and ever. And he has been wanting that handphone since forever and ever too.
  • Buy insurance- on the thought that there will be no back-up plan if something bad should happen to me, insurance is very important. Sure, ASB helps you stores away a stash of money so you don’t overspend but insurance is some sort of guarantee for a way out of any unexpected problems in the future.
  • Invest- I ain’t gonna be young forever. Got to have something/properties to secure me a good life ahead. Real estate, ASB, insurance- all is some type of investment.
  • Stop being a fat bitch- yeah, I like me some curves, you know. There’s no way I fit into a size 25 jeans but alas the size I’m wearing now is really, really not flattering. Yeah I confessed, I have been infected by the social expectation of the supposedly slim and slender gender.
  • Do something useful with my life- a lot of things can be done, pursuing a second degree, helping people in need, changing the look of my room, being less bitter, and truly be happy with where life has taken me so far.

Again, money is needed for every one of these things above. So I think the proverb that money is not everything need to be changed due to current changing economical atmosphere, as well as the bigger spending power of the global community- how’s that for a thesis statement, y’all?

Why waste 11 freaking years of schooling if you are going to skip your bloody SPM?

YES, MONEY CAN GIVE YOU HAPPINESS the form of a new handbag!!

Monday, November 15, 2010


We always talk about if only.
“If only I have more money, I would have bought that LV handbag.”

“If only I was thinner, my boyfriend would not have left me.”

“If only I was more sociable, I would have a lot of friends.”

We dream sometimes of being somebody else. A person that we despise but secretly want to be. Because she/he is so rich, has awesome partner, even more awesome ride, rich, good job by doing nothing, and have cool parents with lotsa and lotsa of money to spend on their child.

Yeah, ain’t life grand?

How does it feel like to be able to spend money aimlessly? And be treasured and missed? To be able to dump people heartlessly and say “you are not worthy of me”?

Yes, it is goo dot have it all. And it sucks to be the person laying by the way side, watching everything goes by and everyone moves on but you are stuck with nothing to hold on to and a bunch of grunts to keep you company.

And you kick yourself, knowing things would be different if you had not done some of the stupid things you did, mingled with the wrong person, and made the dumb decision.

As I was writing this, I smell a whiff of smoke. I hate smoke.

I wished I had not poisoned my body with carbs and sugar and emotional abuse.

I wished I had not fallen in love just because you asked me too.

I wished I had not churned out my money that easily for scumbags who couldn’t think what is good for him.

I wished I was better to those who really care for me.

Regrets- ain’t nothing but past mistakes.

If only I knew better than to put down myself like that.
I live in a blurry haze.

Tell me, otherwise I won’t know.
Tak payah la mengada-ngada baru sekarang nak jelaskan semua.

Aku nak cuti sebelum cuti aku yang sebenarnya yang sekangkang kera tu diambil alih oleh puak-puak kau ni.


Yes, what I did was bad.
But you are no angel yourself.
I’m getting seriously sick and tired hearing people whine and complain all around me. If you hate your job so much, then why did you sign up for it in the first place? If you don’t like people to boss you around, take a business license and open up your own business so that you will be your own boss and instead of being bossed around, you can do all the bossing now.

Everybody got a life- whether it is good or bad, that is none of your business. Don’t think you are the only one with problem and to make that fact more visible, you published your problem with your stereo-like confession. Boy, am I tired to listen to your painful whining each and every day!

Even though you think I am free and seem like I have less responsibility just because I did not jump to the bandwagon and started producing little people, that does not mean I have free time coming out of my nose. I have other things to do, other indulgences that I want to pursue (now that I have the moolah to truly make it happen) and don’t expect me to do everything just because I am the youngest and greenest of the pack.

Seriously, this stereotype associated with people like me who choose to be free must not be downplayed and used for certain gains. You and I are the same, you chose that road and don’t expect people to take over what you did before now that you think your life has more importance that everybody else. Everybody got jobs to do, people to meet, ambitions to fulfil.

But then again, am I whining and complaining right now by writing this post?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

MY NAME IS BAHIRA, not Bahirah, nor Baizura, not Mahira, nor Bahiyah

It’s been almost 5 months since the change took over. Before this, less responsibilities, less power, and complete ignorance from the outside world. Since I’m working, heaps of responsibility, more power and utter realization. Some of the aspects of my life took a wild turn while others pretty much remained stagnant.

I had to be considered as one of the lucky bastards who got sponsored to study. Even luckier since I studied English, which has been my passion. Even when I was in school, I felt that the only interesting subject was English.

I think in English, I speak what I meant more accurately in English, sometimes I even dream in English. It has become a big part of my life, even imbedded in the way I think and how I perceive things and people.

My playlist is in English, there are no Malay songs in my laptop (except for some very good melody from local artists) and all my books are in English. 99% of my DVD collection is English movies (the other 1% is Malay movies featuring my favourite Malaysian actor, Sam Shaheizy).

English has helped me to shape who I am today. I wanted everything to be short and sweet because the English language is like that- everything is so direct and straightforward. You say what you mean, and you mean what you say.

This nature of English moulds me to be a person who does everything directly. I don’t have a hidden motive when I do something just for the simple fact that I don’t know how to cultivate a hidden motive. This is a boon- it helps me to be a better person at times, but it can also be a bane- as in when a person has a hidden motive against me, I don’t know how to detect it. For instance, my ex-boyfriend of 3 years pretended he loved me while in fact his hidden motive is using me to complete his assignments and abusing me to feel unworthy of his affection. While my other ex-boyfriend was pretty sure to marry me while his hidden motive was to suck off all my money because he was and still is a lazy bum who depended on others to pay for his car, his prepaid reload, and probably even his underwear.

English, for its simple nature also indirectly causes me to look at things and people differently. I learn not to be judgemental and accept people for their eccentric qualities- whatever rock their boats. Even I have some skeletons in my closet, some dirty laundry that I will keep mum and bring with me to my grave. Everybody has a personal life and whatever they want to do with it is fine by me-as long as they are not a pain in my ass. That’s why I’m so baffled by other people who would talk shit about me when they know nothing about me, even more so when I keep quiet and do my own stuff. I don’t hurt anybody by keeping to myself and I’m comfortable with silence. Just because I don’t talk much does not mean I don’t care. Just because I seem not to care does not mean I don’t feel hurt. Ever wonder why in the Malay language, there are a lot of proverbs and sayings about meddling in people’s business, for example,

“Mengata dulang paku serpih, mengata orang dia lebih”

“bagai si kuali mengata si teko hitam”

“jaga tepi kain orang”

Those are just to name a few- it shows that we, the Malays love to intrude in other people’s affair. Some say that it shows we are a caring society , while for people like you and me who aren’t exactly angels, we prefer not to have our indulgences become an embarrassment, thank you. Don’t get me wrong, I love people caring about me, wanting to know about me, inquire about my state of health but I despise personal questions which are so constantly and continuously asked like,

“Dah ada boyfriend ke belum?”

“Bila lagi nak makan gulai/Bila lagi nak kenduri?”

Hey man/dude/auntie, if I were to get married or consummated a relationship, I would do it in my own sweet time, when I’m ready to assume the status of wife and child bearers.

In terms of my perception of issues/things/situations, I learn to view everything as simple as it should be. I worry sometimes, thinking about how I can’t do this and that, but I believe everything will run its natural course if you don’t force it too much. This again has pro and con. Pro: when problems arise, I know better than to whine and complain- suck it up and just do it. Con: when something good happen, I don’t really feel excited because I had learned to take things naturally.

So, despite all the things that I went through, if I were given the chance to be someone else, to be able to do things differently, I would still pick Bahira- because there is nobody else like Bahira, there is one and only Bahira that I’ve ever known, literally and metaphorically.


Atas bawah, kiri kanan, depan belakang
Semuanya kau sapu.

Tak kira elok ke, busuk ke
Semuanya kau layan.

Entah jadi, entah tidak
Kau diamkan saja.

Entah betul, entah tidak
Kau iyakan saja.

Apa kau letak dalam kepala tu?
Ada otak, tapi bodoh
Ada akal, tapi bacul
Ada hati, tapi mati.


Janganlah kau sombong sangat
Aku tak nak duit kau pun
Kau datang sini pun sekekap saja
Esok lusa kau blah
Aku tak rindu kau pun.

Janganlah kau bongkak sangat
Kau rasa kau pandai
Kenapa kau kat sini?
Semalam pun kau terkial-kial
Aku tak kisah pun

Janganlah kau perasan sangat
Muka kau bajet lawa je
Tampal bedak pekat sekati
Jerangkung pun lari
Aku tak heran pun

Kau makan nasi, aku pun sama
Takde banyak beza kau dengan aku
Takyah la nak langsi sangat
Jangan sampai aku rasa nak ludah-ludah je muka kau tu.
One of the feelings that I had to have is the feeling of helplessness.

Not being able to decide things for yourself, not able to steer your life the way you want it, having to wait for people to do something that you can by yourself- all these bullshits really mess with my mind.

I hated not being in control of what I have to do, of what I have to plan, and the thought of having to stall your life just because other people don’t do their work is just mere frustrating.

If the universe has simple order of things to keep life going, then human beings too should have some order to keep their life to spin out of control.

And that power to keep things in order need to be agreed upon so everybody would understand the role they play instead of keep pointing their fat finger to one another for fear of admitting their own mistakes because they were just too afraid to admit they screw up.

I have my ego too but when it comes to admitting mistakes, I shut up and stop pretending that it wasn’t me. One thing is because I suck at pretending. I don’t know how to butter up something so that the bitter truth would not spill out like bile rushing out of your throat. If you know me, I have straight face and to make it simpler, if you see me you would say that “muka takde perasaan”, which I found very insulting and demeaning, likening the fact that I am like a stone cold bitch who feels nothing.

Maybe their words came true like a prayer because there were a lot of emotional scarring which happened to me, so much so that when another one happen, I don’t know how to react and that causes me to keep that straight face. Not that I have no feeling, but then my heart becomes harden by every single turmoil and by now I have learned that nothing can deter me from that straight face and nothingness that I feel inside me.

I want to feel again. I want to anticipate things. I want to hope on people. I want to feel sad. I want to feel happy. I want to feel hurt. I want to feel something. Because it scares me not being able to feel anything at all, like I am not living a life.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010



Kalau kau tak busy sangat main Zuma, maybe kau boleh cari No Gaji aku.
Internet tak dapat konon, kenapa wifi aku ok je?
Kerja kau, suruh aku buat.
90 dengan 01 bukan sama.
Bunyi pun lain.
Pekak sangat ke kau ni sampai tak boleh nak bezakan kedua-duanya?


Lelaki bersuara garau, berdada bidang, berkulit sawo matang, bertanggungjawab, berani, berbudi-bahasa, berdikari, berpandangan jauh, berhati mulia, berfikiran matang.

Perempuan lemah lembut, gemar memasak, ayu, bertudung, sukakan kanak-kanak, pandai mengemas rumah, menerima lelaki seadanya, sopan, rajin, menghormati orang tua.

Ciri-ciri atau kriteria di atas adalah antara “checklist” apabila seseorang itu mencari pasangan hidup. Kita semua mahukan kesempurnaan. Walaupun pada hakikatnya kita sendiri tak akan menjadi sempurna sehingga dunia ini kiamat.

Kita cenderung mencari orang yang lebih segala-galanya daripada kita. Kita merasakan kita berhak medapat segala-galanya dan orang lain yang hendak memikat kita haruslah melayan kita ibarat raja/permaisuri. Kita mahu semuanya tersedia apabila kita menjalinkan satu ikatan dengan orang yang kita percaya akan memberikan kebahagiaan pada kita sehingga akhir hayat.

Tapi, langit tak selalu cerah, awan tak selalu biru, cuaca tak selalu baik. Kadang-kala, langit akan menjadi mendung, awan akan jadi kelabu dan cuaca akan menyusahkan kita. Kita mengharapkan yang terbaik tapi apa yang kita dapat hanya mengecewakan kita. Kita mengharapkan janji dikotakan, dan harapan jadi kenyataan. Tapi banyak yang terjadi, janji tinggal janji dan harapan selalunya musnah.

Apa lagi yang kita cari dalam hidup? Adakah semata-mata untuk bertemu dengan seseorang dan menghabiskan seluruh jiwa dan raga kita pada satu orang sahaja yang belum tentu akan mewarnai hidup kita dengan warna-warna pelangi? Adakah hidup hanya mengejar cita-cita dan kebendaan yang tentunya tidak dapat dibawa bersama apabila kita mati? Atau adakah hidup hanya untuk mengabadikan diri pada kepercayaan yang kita yakini sejak azali?

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Yes, I know you are admired by a lot of people.
Yes, I know you are the most awesome person on planet Earth.
Yes, I know you would love to hurl that shit up to my face.
Yes, I know you have people waiting for you here and there.
Yes, I know if you don’t have me, there’ll be nothing to lose.
Yes, I know I was nothing but a dot on a big, empty, whiteboard.
You could easily erase me if you want.
You just did.
Stop it with the eraser.
Stop it.
Are you trying to erase my existence?
I know you are itching to do it.
Go ahead.
Do it.