Fuck this SHIT

I've tolerated enough bullshit to know my limits when faced with shenanigans and tomfoolery by fucking kids. But these form three kids whom I brought into the library because it'll be impossible for them to listen to me in their classroom when the rain was pouring heavily outside. Did they thank me for that? Hell no. What did I get in return? They talked like parrots, non-stop despite being reprimanded God knows how many times. I have chest pain and my voice is hoarse for shouting at them to keep quiet. I don't know what kind of Damiens these kids are but trust me, they're worst that the Antichrist himself. I've tolerated fuckery from kids who are older than these 15 years old kids but their attitude is beyond saving. Amirul, Hakimi, Asyraf, Syahrul, Qaira, Adila-God forbid I'd name my kids (if I ever had any) with these delinquents.

That's the form three students. One of my form four students which I'm the class teacher of, a girl, was caught SMOKING at the Bilik Rawatan. A room specially allocated for sick students to rest and this girl bought cigarettes from the boys and smoked in the room. What kind of shit is this? Imagine my disappointment when I heard that one of the girls in my class was caught smoking, but imagine the bigger disappointment of her parents for having such a child. I know some parents are not the best role models and some teachers smoke too in school which is a prohibited area for smoking but still, if it were boys smoking, it's normal. But this is a girl. No matter how modern you are but when a girl does something that is normally done by boys, the school is shaken up a bit. And when the parents are asked to come to school to discuss this problem, they didn't show up and causing the discipline teacher great and mega headache to handle this problematic child.

To add to that, the monthly test is just around the corner and being the main subjects, English is always tested on the second or third day of the test. So, moi as an English teacher can squeeze in a lot of time in between the beginning and the ending of the test to mark the test papers before having to key in the marks TWICE, once for the school system and another for online system under Ministry of Education. Yes, teachers "love" to repeat meaningless and trivial things. However, this time around, English is at the end of the test week. Then, one week holiday ensues. Exactly 10 days after that, teachers have to key in the marks. Now, imagine this. I teach two classes for Form 3, 4 & 5, so overall there are test papers from 6 classes to be marked. Each class has around 30 students. 30X6 classes=180 test papers. For English, there are two papers. One is for essays and another contains MCQs and open-ended questions. Could you imagine marking 180X2=360 test papers to be marked, added and converted into percentage within ONE WEEK. This is een worse than marking SPM papers! At least for SPM papers we were given two weeks and each script worth 5 bucks. Why would you change the normal timetable that has been used for years? Without even asking teachers' opinion about it? Their predicament and their limitations as human beings disregarded? At least give us an extension of the mark submission. This is beyond human capability. I'm a singleton and I'm complaining about this. Imagine other teachers who have kids to look after and husbands to care for. Or other people who have to look after their ailing elderly like me who has to look after my grandma?

It's stupid and it's uncharacteristic of the world class human power that we are trying to produce. When the teachers themselves are not happy and their mind and heart are tortured due to a lack of empathy and sympathy, how can you expect them to teach honestly and selflessly when they don't even have time for themselves? Sure, some of you may say we're should be grateful to have a job and given an increment in salary, but trust me, try to walk in our shoes and then you can point the finger back at us. We're not asking to be treated like royalty, just a little appreciation and understanding that every human being deserves.

P/S: Mind my language. But sometimes only four-letter words are suffice to express this bottled up feeling.

The Tale of Cat and Mouse

When the cat is around, the mice show devotion and pretend to worship the cat. Every mouse wants to show that it is the best worker and suddenly turn to Energizer rabbit when the cat is watching. When the cat meows, all mice shudder and shut their asses up. When the cat asks the mouse to do some shit, the mouse do it without questioning. The cat uses cheese as bait so that the mouse would obey every single instruction coming out from the almighty cat.

Nonetheless, when the cat is not around, the mouse comes out to play.

Sacrifices

Here's the sequel to previous post.

When talking about parents, I can truly say I've the best parents in the world. And when talking about how much parents love their children, my patents are probably more over protective than most parents are. That's understandable though, since I took them seven years to be blessed with their first born, who is yours truly and another six years to get my younger brother. So you can imagine how much they love the both of us.

When I wrote about the ignorant parents who would rather go for a holiday, leaving their kids at home to their own devices, even when the kids are at a fragile age and haven't finished school yet. I've a student who is home alone after her parents got divorced and moved elsewhere. How can parents do that to their own children? I'm 26 years old and my parents are still worried to leave me home alone with my immobile foster grandma to perform hajj. I never go out alone and I'm always accompanied by my parents or younger brother wherever I'm going out.

And don't get me started on how important education is in our home. My fond memories of childhood was my mom waiting on me to finish my homework. And I'm sure my younger brother still remembers how my mom counted the raisins that my brother ate religiously before going to school since raisins are considered food for your brain and it's better to consume them in even numbers. All the teachers, both at my and my brother's schools knew my mom as she really cared for our education and wanted us to get the best education that we possibly could have. I remember when I was still in primary school. SK Convent in Seremban which was situated at a busy road so my mom had to park at the opposing road and cross it to get to the other side. Holding my brother on one hand and holding my baby brother on the other, she made sure I got to the inside of the school, ensuring I was safe and sound before leaving the area. And yes, my mom never missed any PTA meetings, ever. And my dad, worked his ass off to give us all the resources that we need to succeed in school. I have tonnes of reference books at home that had to be donated to hospitals, libraries and orphanages. I also remembered when I was in form one and we had to do Kerja Kursus and it would look much better if it were typed, so my dad bought a computer and printer who costed like 5K back in year 2000 just so that my Kerja Kursus could be completed perfectly. And for my brother, my parents forked out more than thousands of ringgit for personal tuitions to ensure his straight As in exams.

So, my success today is largely contributed to my parents. I've to be thankful and grateful to be the child of such committed and responsible parents, who wants nothing more that education that can secure our futures, no matter what cost it takes. When I compared my parents to other non-committal parents who would rather spend their money on things for their own use and not the children's or when I'm eating at a restaurant and the parents eat first while the children were starving or when I'm working and there's a PTA meeting at school and the parents who came didn't even have an inkling which class their children are in, I heaved a sigh of relief that my childhood was privileged with parents who care.

Mama and papa, though it's hard for me to say I love you but I really mean it when I say I really do love you and thank you for making me who I am today.

Ignorance

So SPM result will be coming out soon. Before that any student who aspires to get into tertiary education would have to fill up the UPU form online. Without filling up this form, the students would not be able to gain entrance into public universities.

As a teacher, I have this social responsibility to inform my students about important dates that they are supposed to keep in mind concerning dates of uni application or closing dates for those application.

However, what saddens me is the fact that some parents just don't give a shit about their kids; whether their kids have bought pin number to fill up the UPU form and whether their kids know what they are doing when filling up the form. Some kids were not able to fill up the form themselves since they were enlisted for National Service. So, I believe it is the parents' responsibility to do so. Someone close to me whose kid went for National Service didn't have a clue about UPU form. They could've asked me since I'm a teacher but noooo, they would rather be ignorant and do nothing about it. They were more excited about going for National Service rather than entering public unis. When it was my time, although my parents and I were clueless too, we sought help from teachers and asked questions from councillors at school. And my parents read newspapers religiously to look out for offers for uni, public and private, which would normally be advertised in mainstream newspapers.

Which brings me to another point, this couple of ignorant parents, didn't they ever meet their kid's teachers or councillor to discuss their kid's future? Then again, I knew the way things work at school. For example, let's say there are 6 Form Five classes. If you're in the top three classes then you'll be given more attention in terms of spm seminars or attention  from the councillors. After all, these kids' effort and their results in PMR and SPM will ensure the school's success in maintaining their excellence in terms of how many students score straight A's and the percentage in determining the school ranking. If you're from the bottom classes, you shall not fail or else the PMR or SPM percentage will be affected because of your failures. Sad to say and it sucks but life isn't a bed of roses and as you get older, you'll realize often,things ain't no fairytale with the obligatory happy ending.

As for the kids who didn't fill up UPU form for the first phase, may luck be with you.

Bullshit

So yesterday my school was selected to enter a competition at the district level. I was the teacher in charge plus another colleague of mine who was kind enough to print out tonnes of information for the students to read during the CNY holiday. Our holiday as teachers and that of the students are shorten due to this bullshit competition, which as always was another 'must' for ever obliging every secondary school in the district. So, despite not having enough experience and time as well as resources, we ventured into the unknown. While I am writing this, I just heard the news that today there will meetings for Kelab/Persatuan from 2.15-3.15 while for Badan Beruniform from 4-6. The reason for lumping everything in one day is to ensure students are not tired. Pardon me but What The Fuck! So if the teacher is in charge of both Kelab/Persatuan and also Badan Beruniform then she has to stay from dusk till dawn at this goddamn school???!!!!!

Well, sorry for losing my shit like that. Still I'm also pissed at the fact that a competition was held but the evaluation was biased and in favour of one particular school which 'incidentally' the school of the head jury. How convenient is that?

Was the purpose of the competition was just to cover up the deceit and lies shrouding the way the participants were being judged and the boiling questions of whether the scoring of each participant was done truthfully without any favoritism to a particular school?

I swear all these bullshits will be the very reason I quit this profession which is supposed to stress positive moral values that teachers should display for the students to emulate. But if the teachers themselves think with their heart and let emotions rule their behavior, how can we as educators set a good example to be role models for our students?

If a teacher ruthlessly crave for recognition by proving that his/her students are the best (through dirty means and not through just and positive competitiveness) and at the expense of disregarding other students who are more deserving but was unlucky to b schooled at the non-favorite school then what kind of life lessons that we can instill to the students? It's okay to be cutthroat? It's okay to gain something that rightfully belong to another person? It's okay to be biased and not make an objective evaluation?

Whatever it is, it's the students I pity the most. They went through life believing they're the best while in fact they're mediocre at best due to this false recognition given by their teacher. This is what happened when you're in a comfort zone, believing that success is within your grasp that when others are better, you try to deny that fact and continue believing you're still the best and others are not at par with you.

Nevertheless, I'd like to believe that I teach my students who didn't stand a chance to win when that favorite school is around: Never give up and don't stop believing. They might not succeed in school but later, InsyaAllah they'll succeed in life.


P/S: I also heard from my colleague this favorite school has been holding a grudge towards my school since my school was selected to win an award at the national level, which the favorite school has been eyeing for quite some time. So since they didn't win that, they tried hard to win this competition instead. And also the teacher a.k.a the head jury from that favorite school is a strong supporter of gov political party and she received recognition as an Excellent Teacher because of that particular reason. Wow, that's what happen when you mix something as simple and pure like education with another thing as complicated and dirty like politics. Pooh!

GIVE ME THE MONEY!

So, there have been a lot of financial aids given by the government under the 1Malaysia programme. Among which are BR1M where those with RM3000 and below income can register to get RM500 and for those singletons with a salary below RM2500, they will receive RM250. As for students, they are given RM100 for Bantuan Awal Persekolahan 1Malaysia and for tertiary level students, they are given book vouchers worth RM250 and for other youths who don’t have motorcycle license, they can do so by applying for BL1M which give discounted price of RM199 for B2 license, which would normally cost RM350. And for soldiers who did not attend to their full service of 21 years (they quitted early so they didn’t the pension, only the one-off financial reward), they were also given RM1000 per person.

Although all of these financial aids are good, but they are teaching Malaysians one thing; the government would always bail them out whenever they’re in trouble. It’s okay if you’re impatient and quitted the army early, the government would still give money to you. This is truly unfair for those who stuck around until the pre-required years of service like my father who served for more than 30 years and is now enjoying monthly pension, free health care benefits, first class hospital ward and other perks for being loyal and taking his job seriously as an army officer.

As for BR1M, when I was passing through LHDN headquarter in Kota Bharu where forms for the registration was made available, the cars of the people registering included Hilux, Kia, Perdana even Mercedes. Now, what kind of person asked for financial aid of RM500 and still could afford these lavish lifestyle and own expensive cars? If you’re capable of paying for the car, then leave the chance of getting RM500 to others who are more deserving and desperate to make a living. DO NOT take advantage of the fact that certain jobs don’t have pay slip so you can lie when you declare the amount of monthly pay that you received. That’s just plain wrong, not to mention, selfish and cutthroat. What if that money that you get by lying about your financial status was supposed to be given to other family who depended on RM500 for the welfare of their family members? What if another human being died for not being able to get RM500 to go to hospital because you already used that money for your own self-indulgence? STOP. Before, you fill up the form and receive the money, think of others who really deserve that money.

And as for students, who got RM100, that money can be used to buy school uniform or T-shirt or maybe a calculator and a dictionary which would be really helpful and far more useful that that designer T-shirt or shoes that you don’t need but want. And as for university students who received book vouchers but opt to sell them back for lower price to other individuals, SHAME ON YOU for being enrolled in a university but have the brains the size of a peanut. The government gave vouchers to ease off the burden of buying academic books that burn a hole in your pockets. Instead, you sell the voucher to get something as common as money. You really are a DUMMY if you do so. And don’t call yourselves a “MAHASISWA/SISWI” because your characters are definitely an opposite of educated academicians.

As for youths who are given the special treatment of the discounted price to apply for B2 license but still choose to ride the motorcycle dangerously and become a hazard to other road users, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Don’t you love your precious life that you gamble it away by not riding with a license, thus endangering yourselves and other road users? And don’t get me started on some idiotic morons who ride motorcycles without helmets and headlights or tail lights.

And despite all of these financial aids, of course the government is still the baddies. Let’s change, they said. Change is inevitable for a better future. But how do you know things are going to get better. The new ruling gov would probably do shittier job. But alas, we’re all entitled to our own opinion. But for me, I don’t bite the hands that feed me. Yeah, call me ignorant and other demeaning names but that’s my stand on the matter. However, I have this conviction, if the current gov didn’t give the usual financial aid even for a year, they’ll be in big trouble as those who only vote for the money would most probably not vote once they are not given any financial aid that they are so used of receiving. As for other tax payers who complained that those money given for all sorts of financial aids come from their hard-earned cash, well, isn’t communal spirit the big thing in Malaysia? We are famous for sharing, yeah? Even when the person at the receiving end are not that worthy of the financial aid as others deserve better but weren’t given the aid they so desperately needed just because they had no idea how to register and how to fill up the form. Shame, such programmes designed to help the underprivileged but the outcome didn’t meet the intended objectives. Well, things don’t always work they way they’re supposed to be. That’s life.

Marriage Proposals

Including this new guy who just Facebook chat me saying if I weren't married in the next few years until he collects enough money to get married, then he'll marry me, I've received four marriage proposals. That's excluding the American and Arabian guys with whom I chatted with on Yahoo Messenger.

The first one came from that son of a bitch I talked about in previous posts. The second one was with a guy three years older than me. The problem was he's only SPM educated and he refused to further his studies. I was willing to wait for him to finish his degree but I heard he got some other girls in KL while I was still studying in JB. So that was it. I won't be treated like a door mat. The third one was with an Indian guy. But he's asking me to relocate to Australia. Between my family and him, I chose my family. And the last one came from a guy who's also a friend of a friends. The thing is, he's currently unemployed and he wanted to wait until he can accumulate money to lead a comfortable life.

So you see love is complicated. Sometimes you feel you've met the right person but it's at the wrong time. Sometimes the time is right but the person is wrong. Sometimes the time and the person is right but the circumstances are all wrong. Sometimes you work really hard to make things happen, but God showed you and revealed all kinds of things that made you realize this relationship will never work. So it's better safe than sorry. Don't forsake your future just to shut the society up. And just because your mom constantly nags at you, doesn't mean you can pick any Tom, Dick and Harry to marry. You're gonna spend the rest of your life with this person (ideally) and you don't want to start the process of looking for the right person at the right time under the right circumstances all over again if you fail. You just (ideally) want to get married once and hopefully that marriage will last forever. Now, I can't even decide what colour of tablets I wanted, let alone the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. This is hard!

Universiti Malaysia Kelantan

I am currently studying for my MA under Universiti Utara Malaysia but the class is held at Universiti Malaysia Kelantan every weekend. The thing is, our status as off-campus students require us to pay twice the fee that on-campus students paid. Regardless, the condition of the location provided for our class is pathetic to say the least. We paid RM900 per subjects and each semester we're required to take 2 subjects and there are 3 semesters per year. What I want to talk about is not the fee or the same-old same-old method of teaching (PowerPoint and group presentation and literature/critical review) but the accommodation and service provided by UMK.

We are given a small Bilik Kuliah in which we've to squeeze 30 people (including the lecturer). Sometimes the chairs are enough and a lot of times we've to scavenge other classroom to look for chairs. Even the lecturer's table is in a dilapidated condition. The whiteboard has to be put on the table as the handle holding it together is broken. There's no marker or whiteboard eraser; we've to use tissue every time. The air-cond is not working, we've to pry open the whole unit to open the ventilation manually or we will be in a sauna for the whole day class. To put it simply, like one of my lecturers said, "And they call this (UMK) a university?"

The guards are more than "friendly". Even though they know we will be having classes every weekend, still we've to beg them to open the locked door to our designated classroom. And they open the locked door with "open hearts". No smile and no chit-chat. Even the toilet here is so exclusive, they lock the ladies so we've to use the gents. Of course, the WiFi is password protected. So, you can browse for academic journals or look for materials needed for assignments or presentation. And God forbid if we forgot to wear our matrix card, they'll scold us like a bunch of two year olds. The security guards at my teachers' training institute are way friendlier compared to them. Yeah, we know you've the power since you're in uniform and everything, but we're the customers and we're not like first degree freshies. We're all adults and it's time to act like one.

Overall, I'd give them negative one star if we would ever have to fill up customers' satisfaction form. I pity these students who have to endure three or four or more years to study in UMK because honestly, this Uni sucks!

BABI BERNAMA KEHIDUPAN

I don't want to sound like a whiny bitch. I may slap a whining bitch myself who pretty much has everything other people are envious of but still want more. But in this post, I want and I think I deserve to whine because God and life sure do give me surprises that I feel I couldn't take anymore.

When you're walking with friends, in threes, there would always be that one friend who got lest behind and most of the time that friend would be me. The walkway is not wide enough for three people to walk together, making everybody happy and nobody suffers in silence over this stupid predicament. Yeah, it's a trivial matter but if it happens most of the time to the person (like me), you're bound to feel maybe God hates you and so do your friends.

Another thing that is a pain in the ass is when you've to attend some events, especially if those events are gov events, then you'll be required to attend them. They're compulsory so unless you've a bleeding internal organ, you've to go. Going there in separate cars you'll probably make a promise to see your colleagues at a specified spot and at an agreed time. In my case, I'll always sit alone because somehow the friend that promised to sit with me would be late or find some other colleagues to sit with. Yeah, it's a trivial matter but if it happens for as long as you live, you'll wonder whether companionship eludes you and God hates you.

The same happens in class; my first degree and my currently ongoing second degree wasn't and isn't happy moments. Don't get me wrong, I love the studying. What I don't like is the unspoken social rules. If you're not a member of the gang, then people would look a you in a weird way of you suddenly sit besides members of that particular gang. I don't see any James written on the chairs but still there's still this concept of "Eh, kau tolong chop kan tempat aku". Yeah, I think that's the most repeated and heard sentence of all times. Not just school children say it, adults say it too. We're so afraid to be the last one to be left behind. We're so terrified to be the hermit crab who got left alone. We're so scared to be the one that nobody wants to associate with. And that fear, I've been suffocating and suffering with for years. And I'm pretty sure for years to come.

Just something I've to carry in this heavy heart all the FUCKING time. Nobody ever give me a break to not be a freak. Once, I thought my bf would finally be my companion for life but he betrayed me as well, leaving me high and dry with nothing to grab on.

Now, you might say "Get over it!" or "He married someone else, move on!"
Well, it's easier said than done. Could you forgive someone who lied to you and your parents, saying that he wanted to make you his wife and that was the only reason he befriended you and declared a romantic relationship with you? Could you forget his mental abuse, calling you "bodoh", "Babi" and other words that were just too painful to be typed again here? Could you eve lived knowing this bastard who is a psychopath got the happiness he so doesn't deserve? No. I could never forgive, forget nor could I accept the fact he's happy with someone else and God gave him things that he is not supposed to get for all the deceits and superficiality he displayed for that amount of time when I though the relationship could have a happy ending. And no. I won't ever forgive and forget in this life or the next the hopes he had given to me, the promises he made which in the end were just empty words and you are left alone with nothing except your name and a tarnished reputation.

What kind of human being does that? Or better yet, what kind of animal has the heart to do what he did?

I hope his daughter will suffer the way I did. Only then I can die in peace. And to this long hard road out of hell, I just have to endure this contagious presence that nobody wants to get close too. I'm the one that is left behind. I'm the hermit crab. I'm the one nobody wants to associate with.

REMEMBER THE TIME

So, a senior of mine who is currently pursuing his PhD Facebook chat me recently and asked me about my other blog which I used to upload notes on the Literary Component for Form 2 to be included in his research.

That's just the intro.

While I was browsing through the pictures in the blog from three years back, I felt a pang of sadness in my heart. Thinking of how I enjoyed teaching in MK which is one of the top three schools in JB during my practical. Thinking of how easy life was compared to now where I have tonnes of responsibilities and people counting on me (or to scream at me if shits don't sort themselves through). Thinking of even though my life at that moment was pretty unstable (my bf for three years broke the news that he had a fiancee and soon to be married and then I quickly jumped into a relationship with an immature young man- 3 years younger than me who knew nothing but to cry) but the stability at school make me sane and continue to be strong until the end of the course of my study.

I might be crazy when I say this but I loved the time during my first degree where all I have to do is wake up and go to class or during practical wake up and went to school to teach only two classes which I could design super awesome lesson plans and brought all sorts of teaching aids to the students to enjoy in the class. Now, with 25 periods with 6 classes to manage from two different levels (PMR and SPM), I'll be lying if I said every lesson taught in class was planned beforehand. Who got time for that if I had to be in charge of SIX secretarial positions (these people chose because I type the minutes of meetings straight away in a laptop while most of the secretaries wrote them down), being a class teacher to a class which I have to pay for every single thing using my own money since there's no way in hell they would contribute their own money to beautify their own fucking class which they occupy everyday all day at school, being the teacher advisor to Pasukan Pandu Puteri and Pasukan Koir (I don't even know the difference between the voice of a human and a whining of a donkey) and not to forget AJK of SIXTEEN bodies.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a teacher. To be able to make kids realize their own potential and the hell they're going to pay if they don't work their asses off at school. But all these unimportant and pretentious stuff that we have to do - not so much. And don't get started on people who lurrrvvveeee to pass their jobs to others to save their own skins. Who pretend not to know simple thing that a goldfish can do in an aquarium just for the sake of not taking up the responsibility and the blame should anything go wrong. When I came to school people ask me to become form teacher and I know zilch about the register but I learned and I coped with it. And they asked me to do relief for teachers on MC or leave, I learned and I sucked it up. So, if you want to give an excuse that you don't know, you can't do it, think before you speak.

During my first year of teaching, they said you should not say NO to any work that they give you so I ended up sacrificing myself. But soon, I learn to say NO and they haven't touched me since. Again, don't get me wrong, in MK I love the working atmosphere where people work together to achieve and maintain success. We (my practical coursemates and I) had no problem going back to the hostel at 5 everyday because we felt the satisfaction of being able to a part of something bigger to contribute to the school. I'm also not afraid to admit I felt a sense of belonging like the way I felt of being a Zainabian (my old secondary school is one of the top schools in Kelantan. It's an all girls school so we took pride of calling ourselves that. They say people can always tell if you're a Zainabian). Here, in my current school, I love most of my students but one or two are complete assholes (yeah, I think it's only fair to call them them since one of the two wrote on a hard cover library book that I'm an asshole and another slashed my tire, BURN IN HELL you two). I never experienced this back in MK or Zainab - there is still an unspoken but widely accepted rule that teachers are ranked nombor three after your mom and dad so you've to respect them and not call them assholes. Immediately, my feeling of hate grew.

And in MK or Zainab, we've never had the problem of kids kissing or molesting others. You are kids for God's sake- don't grow up so soon! But noooooooo.... You feel proud to touch the girls' ass cheeks or dipped your face between their almost non-existent breasts. Pervs.

Yeah, I missed those times back then. But then, when I think of the $kaching$ in the bank coupled with bonuses and PMR and SPM payments for marking papers and the car, the clothes, the shoes and the handbags that I bought with the money, do I still miss those times? A bit, still. But I'm also grateful for the bountiful rewards that Allah SWT has given me and I hope The Almighty will continue to give me the health, strength and wisdom to continue doing what I'm doing!