HELL

I guess I am not in the best place right now.

Hence that is why I kept writing here, which I don’t normally do if things are going right in my life.

It keeps getting tiring to explain yourself to people when you don’t even know what is going on inside your own mind.

I really wish I can stop feeling and thinking and just live my life as it comes day by day.

But as I get older, I feel like life has no meaning and we are just waiting around to die and leave this planet to go somewhere else more permanent.

I swear before that I won’t adopt this defeatist attitude but yet, here we are again.

I have not been able to finish a single book this year. I cannot sit still and watch an entire movie in one sitting anymore. I don’t know what force in the universe is pulling me into this deep dark hole.

I just wish there is a switch I could turn off to stop me from feeling this way but apparently it is not so easy. Sometimes, I wonder why me? Of all the other people, why was I chosen to feel this way? I am 32 but I cannot wait to die.

I should be at the peak of my life. I have a good career with reasonable pay. I have an awesome car and on my way to buy my own house. I have a functional family and a caring partner. Things that I have been praying for. Yet, why do I still feel this way.

To others, my pessimism might be mistaken for being ungrateful while other people are still struggling with the basic necessities of life. I, on the other hand, have my life together on the surface but go deeper and you’ll see how broken I am still.

It’s getting a little repetitive. Explaining what I don’t even understand myself. To people who try to help but could only offer general  solutions to a universal problem.

Why are there so many unhappy faces on this world today? I wonder, is it genetics? The food and drinks we consume? The people we surround ourselves with? I am truly baffled. Truly.

I wish there is an answer or a stop to feeling like everything is wrong when in reality, nothing is wrong. Just to feel happy again, without inhibitions and without worrying things will eventually go wrong so there is no point to truly work towards it because in the end, everything crumbles anyway.

I keep thinking to end it all, again. Seriously thinking about it. But I can’t. I have too many people who would be pissed if I seriously end it all.

GOD, take me out of my misery. Is this the price I have to pay for all the bad shit I did in my life?

I did not feel like this back in school. When I got to college, that was when the clusterfuck happened. I was invisible in school. I went to a high performance school. So everybody was special that I was overlooked. But in college? That was where I shone.

I read English which I have always loved. I did all my assignments diligently and submit them on time. Thus, others called me teacher’s pet and accused me of trying too hard to please all my lecturers. These people were the same people who borrowed my notes and assignments. Add an asshole boyfriend to the equation and voila! We have the perfect case of budding depression and anxiety.

When I got to work, during the first year, my mind was still not in the right place. It was hard. People assume I am anti-social because I pretty much kept to myself. The truth was, I was struggling still. I was in a limbo. How can you pretend to be happy when deep down inside, you just want to crawl in your bed and never leave it?

I am a tortured soul. I have everything. Except fucking happiness.

PATHETIC LOSER

I’ve come across a quote that says “You have sacrificed everything for them but one day they’ll turn around and say I didn’t ask you to. And it will hurt because they are right.”

And I also came across this video of Selena Gomez singing a song which supposedly was dedicated to Justin Bieber who married Hailey Baldwin. And in that song she was like saying JB will miss her and think about her every time he is with someone new.

Yeah, seriously doubt that.

I think we should not think that our presence means so much to someone. Because if we truly mean something to them, they will treat us accordingly. Don’t put so much importance on yourself and feel so confident in the knowledge that you are their one and only and losing you would be devastating to them. Because most often than not, you are easily replaceable.

And don’t expect people to act and treat you the way you act and treat them. Expectations breed disappointments. Always.

You should learn to accept an apology that you will never get. A closure that nobody will offer to you. You should suck it up and move on because no matter how good you are to someone, they can easily take a knife and shred your heart to pieces. That’s a fact.

I’m not mad. I’m not angry. I guess I’m just sad. Sad that I don’t matter as much as people matter to me. Sad that I love people more than they love me. Sad that my sacrifices are not appreciated and my presence doesn’t make any difference in the lives of other people.

So, I am back to square one. I gave people chances but they would always prove me right. Why I did not let people inside my life in the first place. Maybe I am not just meant to be loved. Maybe I am not destined to be loved. Maybe being alone in my own company is my fate.

At least there nobody can hurt me.