UNCERTAINTY

One thing that I hate is uncertainty.

Being made to wait around and look stupid doing nothing at all while there are actually a ton of things to do but you just don’t know how to do it that’s why you are made to wait around and look stupid doing nothing.

You pretend to look busy by checking something on your hand phone while in fact there is nothing on your screen except for ‘MY CELCOM’ or ‘MY MAXIS’. You avoid looking like you have nothing to do for fear people might think you are lazy and have nothing better to do. The key word is ‘busy’, to make you have a lot to do, so that people would not disturb you and give you works to do as this might disrupt your idealistic existence.

If you bring laptop to school, you try so hard to stare at your screen even though you were just staring at your desktop wallpaper. When people come passing by your work cubicle and try to peer in your laptop, trying to see all the shenanigans that you are indulging in the moment, you switch the erotic novel you were reading into your students’ name list. Well, it is no good if you get caught, is what they say.
Then, when people give you works to do, you never say no, accept it and suck it up and pretend you know everything in the world including how to fix the broken pipes, how to motivate students who come to school out of boredom being at home, and how to teach subjects that you have no pedagogical or even the content knowledge to teach. Hey, the perks of the working world.

Being a student at a teachers’ training college, nothing is for sure. Being a student in a twinning programme, even worse when nobody knows anything, because the jurisdiction is not clear, is it the responsibility of the university which gives you your degree? Or is it the responsibility of the college, which gives you 100 year old hostel to live in? And the holidays were definitely a pain in the ass. At the university, at least they have this ‘takwim’ where you could refer all the holidays that were supposed to happen. So, being a Kelantanese, I always had problem buying holiday ticket to go back to my hometown as the tickets would always be sold out. Does not matter whether they holiday is only for 3 days, the tickets from JB or KL to KB would always be sold out. God, I so envy my brother who is studying in KMPP. His college provides transportation for the students to go back to their hometown. How cool is that? He does not have to pay for taxi or Komuter to get to the bus station and he does not have to deal with the anxiety and panic of missing the bus/train that you have to take to go back to your hometown. Not to mention, he does not have to kill for the ticket as there is enough room for every students to go back to their hometown.

Uncertainty sucks. Looking stupid sucks. Doing nothing sucks. It makes your brain rot. It is not medically proven but you can practically listen to your brain rusting away as a result of you not using it. Or watching too much porn. Or listening to too much ridiculous songs about nothing. Or having nothing intelligent to talk about. Seriously, when you are not studying, you are lost for things to think about. I’d rather think about ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ rather than doing nothing. Or perhaps watching an ancient movie with Elizabeth Taylor in it because people said it might help in understanding the drama of ‘Antony and Cleopatra’. I’d rather sit in a boring lecture for 3 hours, taking down notes from a lazy ass lecturer who might as well just give us the PowerPoint Presentation that he downloaded from the Internet. Or thinking of a thesis statement to support my argument for a position paper. Oh hell yeah, I’d rather be a student, helpless and begging for mercy from our lecturers, fighting for Raya ticket and feeling frustrated over a proposition for a paper that was rejected, and feeling like a dumbshit after wasting a gallon of tears over dumbshit boyfriend. Those were the golden days of sufferings. Being in the university and college, all alone, wrapped up in your hellish cocoon, feeding on steady diet of hate and wrath. Those were the days that made you. Those were the days that made you, simply you. I had wished that time flies sooner when I was studying because I long for holidays and I feel frustrated when I had to back to university or college when the holiday was over (my brother is feeling this now). I had wished that the last day when I was back home would freeze so I can be with my family just a second longer. I had wished for my family to move to wherever I was studying so I can go back home like everyday after class. How I wished for all those impossible things to happen. But it did not. And I braced myself everyday for every stupid days to come. And those were the days that made me resilient to anything that might come my way. Those were the days that toughen me up, making me able to handle anything and everything that might happen.

P/S: Notice how this post is getting longer by the paragraph?

Anyway, the bottom line is my post has lost its track as the paragraph continues but I can’t help myself, shit happens, you know? Who cares? I don’t. Uncertainty sucks but it also makes you ignore the small lingering noise in your mind, it makes you patient, and it makes you not push people around to get the certainty that you are craving for. The bottom line is, again, uncertainty is a negative state, but it might help you shape who you are positively.

SUSAH SEYH.....

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana sekarang semua orang hati mati.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana silap pilih, binasa menanti.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana aku yang merasa, bukan mereka yang mengganti.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana aku kalis sengsara, tak bisa sakit hati.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana sayang kau, aku tak tahu, mungkin cepat mati.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana kau mungkin kaki kikis, tak cukup hutang ceti.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana kau selesa hidup seorang, tak mampu sehidup semati.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana bila senang kau menempel, bila susah kau lari angkat kaki.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana aku terlebih kilo, kau pula tak cukup inci.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana kau tak cukup satu; dua, tiga, empat kau bawak lari.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana kau tak faham aku, aku takut makan hati.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana aku terus terang, akal menipu kau panjang lebih sekaki.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana kau anak emak, aku mahu lelaki sejati.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana aku berjimat cermat, kau pula kaki judi.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Kerana aku nak pergi jauh, tapi kau mengeluh sebaldi.

Bukan mudah aku cari pengganti,
Untuk jadi Khalifah hidup ini,
Untuk mengotakan janji-janji dalam akad kau pada Tuhan yang merahmati,
Untuk melayarkan aku ke syurga dunia, dan syurga abadi.

TOO LATE (WHAT YOU ATTEMPT TO DO NOW)

Why do we always regret what could not be undone and unsaid?
Why do we always hope and wish for the impossible to happen?
Why do we always see what could not have happened, instead of what already have?
Why do we always hurt somebody that really cared and loved us?
Why do we always lose what we ever won?

Something that is lurking deep inside us could not be unleashed.
Someone that is waiting near us could not be undermined.
Nothing is for free.
No one is for pawn.

We all die the same way.
We all live the same day.

Meanings are nothing compared to actions.
You say something and then you changed your thoughts every three seconds.
Maybe you are what I thought you are.
You will never change, your intentions are never well.
You hurt, blissfully aware of other people's pain.
What is it to you?

This is my 101th posts. Despite numerous consideration to shut this blog down due to incorrigible individuals who think I have nothing better to do than to bitch about them, My Blog thrives and hopefully it will continue to do so, reflecting my inner most thoughts and my deepest vile secrets.

Would I continue to be bare and transparent in my future writings? Maybe, we'll see.

Without you motherfuckers, this blog would be just another boring yapping away kinda blog which reflects my stupidity and my inability to talk about nothing else.

So, cheers.

Hopefully, my fingers and I will continue to bring you the latest shitty remarks and unbelievably depressing posts.

By the way, is it just me or there is trouble in where you belong? Do you feel what I felt all along?

I am seriously considering leaving behind the wonderful world of laptops, printers and the wonderful world of broadband. They all hate me and give me massive amount of heartache and headache.

Don Juan DeMarco

Which is better?
Being unhappy and sane?
Or being happy and insane?
I am on the verge of explosion.
Explosion of different mix of emotions and disappointments.
Every single thing comes and goes, but I am still here.
Voices wailing and fingers cracked, but the one is still delayed.
My DeMarco is yet to wake up and come to find to give me the greatest pleasure of all.
I wonder if all this is just a make up.
Masks then were discarded to suit various occasions.
Feelings that were there thrown away to suit the weather in our lives.
What does it take to strip away all the lies and deceits that shrouded our very existence?
Should we all be Dona Julia and wait to be saved?
Should we leave in glory or should we stay in shame?
Raven hair and unborn little blue eyes.
Your life ends as you dream many a painful hopes.
Why lose everything for the sake of one crushed manly display?
Aren’t we all severely delusional?
Or are we just desperate for some getaways so that we would not become crazy in our own make-believes.
I want everything. Now.
No, you can’t.
Yes, I can.
No, you will never get what you want.
Well, that is probably true.
You know it is true.

Ada dua org yg tiba2 nak berbaik ngn i.
Guilt much?
Or pure sadistic freak to hurt people.

Btw, I don't need to know ur sexual activities.
It will make me puke.

I feel sick reading you.
I feel like vomiting looking at you.
Is it just me or you are just one crazy painful being?
Can you just picker up and be happy foe just one day?
Can you?

She talks like water
And she walks like rain.

Did she cry her eyes out
Only to realize there were still more tears to squeeze out of that little chubby face, puffy eyes of hers?
Misted eyes and blocked nose, she keeps leaking and leaking
Until she could hold no more and explode like starry sky above.

Did she finally get the chance to bask in the glory
To wake up later and find that
This is all just a sweet dream never to be achieved in her imperfect reality.

The only thing that she ever had was used feelings
And used emotions that soon to be discarded
No expiry date on misery
She took his words and she believed in everything he said to her
Because she was too goddamned stupid to realize
That the world was laughing at her stupid fat ass
And wished that she fell and never get up.

THE ORANGE VAN DELIVERED...

Cool black box...

Nice graphics...

Shiny and brand new...

Cute and stylish...

Here we go...

this is the mother ship, right here.

I want a boyfriend that looks like Johnny Depp.
.....
....
...
Any takers?