Wednesday, August 2, 2017

EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY

I've neglected this for so long. I guess I have been feeling better, or so I think. Until today when I went to the canteen and nobody wanted to sit with me. Oh, so juvenile, that's what most of you would probably say. But try saying that to someone who has been having social anxiety. Fear of talking on the phone because I would sound stupid when saying the wrong things. Fear of talking to people because I would make the conversation awkward. Fear of replying to messages because people might be mistaking my messages and thinking the worst of me. That is how I have been feeling.

Then, came a lady who might have good intention, asking me who was eating alone "Seorang je ke? Lalu ke makan?" (Alone? Have the appetite to eat?) GODDDDDDDDDDDD

There I was, trying not to snap, eating while food lodged in my throat, while the next table was packed with people who pretended they were my friends.

I hate them all. Their laughs, their fakeness, their over-excited attitude. Why didn't they sit with me when there were 3 empty chairs around the table. Noooooooooo, they'd rather packed themselves to the small table instead of sitting next to contagious, old me.

This has been happening since school. So much so when nobody wanted to sit with me, as soon as the bell for recess rang, I would be springing to the canteen and fuck everybody, to eat. Alone, on the bench, at the canteen. Which is a such a mortal sin. At an all-girls school.

Then, college came and the friends hadn't come. It was good at the beginning. Everyone seemed non-judgemental. Then, the feelings came and I started to feel like they liked me just because they wanted to steal my notes and copy my assignments. Then, when the asshole/boyfriend offered himself, I thought my lonely days were over. I thought I had someone who I could count on and never had to look for someone else ever again. Yet, I was still wrong. I was lucky to get out of the relationship alive. Intact. I was lucky I did not have the balls to go through with slitting my wrists or heading on into a lorry on my scooter. I thanked God everyday that my mind was still working and my body managed to survive the torture I put it through.

Now, in this supposedly professional institution of teaching a.k.a the school a.k.a love-hate relationship (love the money, hate the people), things happen again. The feelings haunt me again. It seems there is no escape. At all. I think now i understand why some people who look happy, who has everything, who has someone to love, ends up hanging themselves or shooting themselves in the head. Because the feelings are still there, no matter how hard you try to escape from them. The voices in your head refuse to go. They linger, taunting you, making you feel unwanted. You turn to God, you pray and you weep. Still, they are still there. Reminding you of who you are. Every single damn day.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

050717_8.37 a.m.

All of a sudden,

I've lost the will to live

I've lost the will to do anything.


To even wake up is a chore.


All I want to do is curl up into a ball and die.


I try to fight this feeling away
With firm reminders of how 'lucky' I am supposed to be

Yes, I am lucky to struck lottery in life.

To live an 'easy' life, free from worries about the next meal

Or where to lie my head down at night.



But, my heart, my spirit, my soul, heavy and cloudy, with not even a sliver of sunshine peeking through.

It feels like futility, finally making its come-back,


And it has decided to stay, permanently.