Attention-Seeker

Do you have that one kid who loves to hang around you and be extra 'manja' and over 'gedik'? Or loves to hug you or get close to you without any regard whatsoever on the concept of personal space? Or SMS and call you excessively even when you told them when you gave your number to them, to only contact you under dire and emergency situations?

When I first got posted and became the form teacher to this form 2 class, I had this kid whom I've ever given her the chance would love to be my 'adik angkat'. Mind you I'm only 10 years older than them so if they call me mama or mak or refer to themselves as my children, I'd flipped because I'm still young and haven't any children on my own. Some teachers who love to get close to students usually insist on students calling them with maternal titles like the ones mentioned above.

So this kid likes to SMS me and asks all sorts of trivial questions. Once it was raining and this kid SMSed me and asked me to fetch her from her house to the school? What the fuck?! I'm not your chauffeur and I bought the car on my own not with yor money. There was also this one time that the librarians were having their annual lunch so she asked me to send her to this restaurant in KB (my school is in Bachok, about an hour drive to on) when she could've gone with the other students on the bus provided by the school.

When I was not around, or during exams when this kid's classmates were noisy or copy each other, she wrote down all the names and gave it to me, probably to get my recognition for being ultra-efficient. Yeah, way to go to earn friends in class.

I thought I got rid of her when I was not teaching her when she got to form three. Boy, was I wrong. She requested to be my friend on Facebook. My principle is to only accept request from form five students or students from my previous school. When I ignored her friend request, she turned sour towards me. Everytime she saw me, there was no greeting.

Until she got into form four and I had to teach her again. Now, she's over-friendly and always be extra-nice when it's my period. Luckily, my phone number has changed so she couldn't SMS and call me. Sometimes, this feels like some crazy psycho ex boyfriend tracking you and sending stupid SMSes about how they regret their actions and how their married life is not a bed of roses and how they want you back. Seriously, this type of people need to find a hobby. Rather than focusing their energy on chasing people's affection.

# 9 BY MYSELF

Friends

Some are special
Some are worthless

Some stay with you till the end
Some leave you when you are breaking apart
Some even stab you in the back

Some encounter you to meet success
Some bring you down from the top

Some steal your guy

Some become your nightmare
Some become your sweetest dream

Some you trust
Some you ignore
Some you admire
Some you cursed


Why do you need them for?
 If they are so complicated
Don't need friends anymore
Just need myself.

P/S: I've always had this fear (in fact I still do) that nobody likes me. And my suspicion might be true considering how much of a bitch I am. When it is time for group work, I always have this uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach and there is like a giant bile, struggling to escape my throat. And usually other people would already have a fixed group of friends that they always look for in any assignments for every course. And I'm usually the last person to be picked for the group.

Do you know how it feels like? Like you are garbage by the roadside, nobody wants you, let alone be the one responsible to pick you up and put you where you belong? Sure, people say that I have a tough exterior and my face is void from any emotions but they don't know what is going on inside my heart. Everyday, I pray that people would like me, that nobody would hate seeing my face. After a while, I just stop trying. I realize God must be tired of listening to a whiny and insecure person like me.

The only time I'm good for is when there is nobody left to work with. For example, at the school canteen when all the tables are empty and I am the only one sitting at one of the tables so the person has no choice but to take a seat next to me, probably for fear of being called a loner or anti-social. Or when that person falls out from the group that he/she usually works with, I'm the number one choice for a rebound partner (if there is such a concept for friendship).

That's why one day I just woke up and said "Fuck it". I'm not going to allow other people dictate how I am supposed to live my life. I am not going to let others' inability to look at my face honestly to deter my will to live. That is how I got this ultra-thick face to sit alone at a crowded restaurant to eat. Or to shop alone for things that I need. Or to go to sleep without crying myself and believing in false hope that everything will turn out for the better eventually. Because I know it never will.

# 8 PERFECTION

People talk
As if they know everything
As if somebody listen to them
Just shut up!
You are disturbing me
Making myself miserable
Be quiet
I want to find myself now
But I manage to find me back
Perfect as before

Was I perfect before?
No, of course not
Nobody is perfect
The people who talk a lot
Are not perfect at all
They are all like me
Not perfect
Necessarily.

# 7 TIRED

Tired of being used
Tired of being pushed around
Tired of being lied to
Tired if being ignored
Tired of being worn out
Tired of being asked to do the things
          That you wanted me to
          That is why I could not feel myself
Tired of the pressure
          Pressure of walking in your shoes
          Doing all the things
          That you were unable to complete before
          You thought that I belong to you
          The truth is
          I don't
          And I will never do.

Upskilling or Deskilling?

So, if you're in the teaching world, better yet teaching English as a source of income, you've probably heard of the Cambridge Proficiency Test (CPT). Not all English teachers were required to sit for the test, I think it involved teachers from the East Coast where there's a stigma that English teachers from these states are not proficient enough in teaching this lingua Franca of the world now.

This is aligned with the Pelan Induk Pendidikan Negara to master the teachers in English to make sure students have bilingual capacity and able to compete in the international arena.

The problem was, the CPT which was an online test contained validity and reliability threats that made it insufficient to gauge teachers' ability in all aspects of the language. First, we were only given 3 days to finish the test. Secondly, the server for CPT was unstable and when I emailed the help desk, they replied that even they couldn't resolve the problems. Thirdly, the interface of the test is confusing as there was no time limit shown so we couldn't allocate appropriate time to answer the unspecified amount of questions. Fourthly the test was done within the school with little supervision thus making it invalid. Fifthly, the British accent used in the listening part of the test was over the top and seriously, Malaysians don't speak English like that. Finally, we as test takers were not given the marks to self-assess our performance.

Therefore, without knowing how we fared in the test, some of us were 'chosen' for upskilling course with native speakers for 400 hours, to be completed in order to ensure we came out speaking like The Queen.

Imagine spending 6 agonizing years and coming out as TESLians yet having to go back to basic and endure 3 hours of courses per day to complete 400 hours of overall requirement in order to be upskilled.

Imagine DG48 teachers who have been teaching for 20 over years yet are degraded by instructor who thinks we, Malaysians haven't spoken a word of English and have to be told to line up like kindergarten kids.

Imagine teachers have to sacrifice their time and energy as well as money (to drive back and forth to the Pusat Kegiatan Guru) to learn things that should be taught to their students instead.

And imagine the instructor, paid a large sum of money, with a house and a car and one month stay in a five star hotel during the holiday while waiting for the school semester to commence.

While we teachers, unlike before, just can attend course within the vicinity because of lack on budgeting. We are not given even a laptop and broadband to key in online systems that are required, albeit redundantly, while what we should be focusing on is our professional job requirement, teaching.

These were the disgruntled remarks made by teachers during the course I attended yesterday. Luckily, my school was not chosen for the upskilling programme. If we were chosen, I'd probably flipped out.

Sure, the gov meant well with the education transformations but the enforcement lacked planning and us, the teachers at the receiving end would be the black sheep should something go wrong.

Of Courses and Styles

So as an English teacher, I've to go to all sorts of courses. In fact, I believe I'm the teacher with most courses attended in a year. How can I substantiate this claim? When the time comes to submit SKT (a performance report in which teachers fill up the info of our activities and contributions annually to be evaluated by our bosses), I have to print out extra papers to list all the courses I've gone to in that particular year.

Whenever I go to these courses, one thing that I can observe is how every teachers, especially females, dress up in their Sunday's best (though the course might be held any other weekdays). If they wore Batik, you can guarantee the batik will be littered with diamonds all over. And their tudung? Elaborated with all sorts of motifs and of course, a big ass brooch to complement the look. If they wore normal kurung, you can even see the pleats where you can detect that the kurung has just been sewn; probably just for this auspicious occasion to get out of school filled with snotty-nosed kids to someplace else where nobody knows you ( sometimes that's not the case as courses are great opportunity to meet up and chat with old friends from other schools) and play dress up for the day.

Bein Kelantanese, these women would take out every jewellery from the hiding place to be worn for these courses. During these times, you can see walking Christmas trees. Christmas trees huddling together in a corner and as the Malaysians say it 'anyam ketupat'. Christmas trees walking in files to get the refreshment and also Christmas trees promoting products.

As for the guys, I don't think they think too much of what to wear. Because I've never seen male teachers dress up like Adam Lambert or Lady Gaga when going on a course.

As for me, I wear the school batik today just because after this course, I'll be going back to the school for PIBG meeting. Yes, that's how much I 'love' my school.. Pooh.. And when I go for courses, I make sure I bring along all sorts of notes, a story book and my tablet so I can fill up my time with beneficial activities like reading and posting on Blogger while waiting for the course to start. Yes, we are not living in Japan. Where everybody respects time and shows up on time. This is Malaysia!!!!!

#6 SUCCESS

Success

What does it mean anyway?

If you have one million dollar
Are you successful?

If you own a multilingual company
Are you successful?

If you have sailed around the world
Are you successful?

If you have walked a thousand miles
Are you successful?

If you got 100 marks in your exam
Are you successful?

If you are married with 5 children
Are you successful?

The definition is subjective
The category is countless
The real answer
Lies within yourself
What does success mean to you?

P/S: This poem was written when I was still studying in Teachers' Training College. At that point of time, I didn't even know where I was going in life, let alone could think clearly of what success really means to me. I guess at that time, success is being able to handle your assignments and submitting it on time. A practice I still continue to this day when I'm studying for my second degree.

Now, being a full-time teacher, success is being able to make my students understand what I am trying to convey and seeing them applying it in their homework. Success means being able to mould them into human beings.

As a daughter, success means being able to put a smile on my parents' face and contribute each month to the household expenses. They had spent a lot during my poor life as a student (with RM399 monthly for scholarship, living comfortably in big city like JB was just too hard when you were saving your money to buy a laptop) and now it is my turn to return the favour as a sign of my gratitude.

To sum it up, success to me means being grateful of what you have yet yearning to add up to aspects of your life that may be lacking in order to be a better person; in my own rights, not on other people's terms.

#5 Love

Love
Makes hearts thump
Makes eyes flutter
Makes words sweeter
Makes life worth more

Love
It is blind
It is crazy
It is undeniable
It is untold

Love
Some find it at ease
Some take forever to understand it
Some sacrifice for it
Some cursed at it.

#4 Stuck

Silence
World feels like a tunnel
That never ends
Keep trying to find the way
The way out of the tunnel

Hurry, Hurry
Find the way out now
Somebody is chasing you
Whispering to you

Leave, Leave
Quickly walk away
Before it finds you
And rips you apart

Go, Go
Just go away
And never look behind.

Fluency VS Accuracy

So, as all of you know, I'm currently studying for my second degree. Although the scope of study is boring to many, but I had the choice between this course and Counseling, offered by UUM, off-campus programme, held every weekend at UMK. So since before this, I've said once that if the uni is behind my house, there's no excuse for me not to study. Now, I've no reason not to enroll in the programme.

Before this, I've blogged about the dilapidated condition of the classroom given to us although we've paid double the amount than on-campus students. And also, we didn't get the Kad Diskaun Siswa 1Malaysia just because we're part time students. What kind of justification is that when we paid our fees like other students? Or maybe it's just UUM? And don't get me started with the problem of registering for subjects for every goddamn semester. And the lackluster attitude of the help desk; as if we're somehow responsible for their system's unreliability.

Nonetheless, that's not what I want to blog about today. What I really want to talk about is as what the tittle above stated. When you're taking your second degree or when you call yourself a TESLian, then make sure you possess both fluency and accuracy. If you're taking a masters degree but still pronounce simple words wrong or make simple grammatical mistakes, then people's perception of TESLians would definitely be tarnished. You've a degree in the language and now taking a second degree in it but a secondary student can speak better than you? Weird, isn't it? Humiliating even. Blame it on the autocorrect then somehow when it comes to spelling of even the simplest of word, you've to stop and think whether what you're writing or typing is correct. Or blame it on American tv shows that somehow invaded our tongue like a ninja and make us Americanized. But at the end of the day, you have no-one and nothing to blame for your lack of proficiency but yourself.

I'm not saying I speak RP. Nor do I have perfect English knowledge. But I tried. Ever since I was a kid, I'm a book addict. A habit that no rehab can cure. A habit that cost me book shelves purchase higher than other average person would buy. A habit that would definitely prove to be handy when paying for tax. A habit that landed me the role of Guru NILAM (Nadi Ilmu Amalan Membaca), a reading programme initiated by the gov to make reading a lifelong habit for school students. I guess it worked on me since I've been a lifelong reader. That, together with my parents who are both avid readers, guarantee my love and devotion for books, traditional and ebooks.

Also, I listen to English songs. A habit cultivated also by my parents who love oldies. Although I listened to a genre that most of us considered noise but it's not the 'noise' I paid attention to. It's the lyrics. I can vouch my English 111/9 SPM paper grade that the A1 that I got was the result of these songs. Unlike other songs, metal songs have elaborated lyrics. Sometimes, you've to refer to the dictionary to understand the meaning of these words. So, if you want to be good in English, listen to English songs.

When I was accepted into Teachers' Training College, I had abundance of time when I mopped around, feeling homesick all the freaking time. So, since JB was the capital of pirated DVDs (I was only a student at that time, a gov scholar with only RM399 to live off monthly in a big city), I bought a lot of DVDs of English movies to watch during my free time. I have to say, I learned a lot from many subjects by watching these DVDs alone. May it be animation, horror, rom-com or even God awful boring movies will give us something new, not just entertainment but more than that. You'll learn so much more from movies than sitting in a classroom. Your tv screen or laptop screen speaks more than your teacher can in an hour and a half of those movies. And watching movies with happy ending can make you feel happy for the character you're rooting for. Whereas for movies with bad ending or no ending makes you realize life is fragile and the characters as well as people in real life are vulnerable to life's little mysteries that nobody can predict.

Hence, the notion of English as a high status language is obsolete in this age when exposure of English is everywhere and any Tom, Dick and Harry (I use these guys a lot in my post) can be proficient in English of only they've the right attitude and interest to do so. My principal keeps saying that as English teachers, we've to be fun so that students will learn English. On contrast, my lecturer summed it up nicely by saying, "nak fun sangat (learning English), pi fun fair la!"

TEST MARKET

There comes a time in our life where we feel like we need recognition from someone else to validate our existence. During my early 20s, those moments came in the form of having a boyfriends and scandals along the way. Hey, I’m single and my boyfriend was not faithful at that time, so if you can’t stop them, join them. And that is just what I did. All of them are better than my boyfriend at the time, I got to enjoy riding on a Ducati and also Mercedes Benz. Hey, I was stupid and bored and when a guy asked me to join him for fun, I tagged along. I was lucky I never went out with any pervert who could have easily kidnapped or raped me. I guess, Allah SWT knew what I was doing was because of loneliness and not for pure evil purpose like what my ex did.

And when I started working, I had no time to endure this nitty gritty of being in a relationship. Even online relationship is too taxing. And I don’t know why, most guys with whom I conversed online were mostly creeps who were only interested in phone sex or asking for my naked pics.

I guess they never heard of porn on the Internet.

Also, there are guys with whom I chatted with on Yahoo Messenger, mostly from Arab countries and also Americans almost always asked me to get married. If I were gullible enough, I would have and could have been married for more than 10 times with these good for nothin’ type of brother.

Now, even though I am still single and should be looking for someone to settle down with, I just couldn’t find the time to be active and pursue any relationship. Most guys at work are married, still they want to ‘test market’ as Malaysians say it and hinted at me to be their second, third or fourth wife. Mind you, if I were a desperate-woman-who -can-just-accept-any-Tom, Dick and Harry type, I would’ve gotten married a long time ago. Sadly, is not just the men who acted this way, but some women too. They also want to ‘test market’. Married but having relationship which started virtually but later became serious when they started to meet this online persona for real. And then the situation worsen when these women who already have husbands at home, began to enjoy these relationships in which the men just want either three things; sex, money and sex, so much so that the husband at home became number two priority. Their monthly salary is spent on this online sweetheart who can melt any woman’s heart with their tried and true, practised courting lines. And again, sadly, these women who are bright indeed (if not, they would not have ended up being teachers or having any other professional white collar jobs) ended up being slaves to their own emotions and need to feel worthy and validated. 

I honestly don’t understand this kind of people. If you’re not happy being married, why are you still married? And do not give me bullshit answer like you need to care for your children, that is why you stay in a loveless marriage. If you really care for your children, you would not have any forbidden relationship in which you give more time and spend more money to maintain than your legal binding marriage. For the guys, I know you have 4 quotas. Still, you have to betray your first wife in order to fill up quota 2, 3 and 4. You must have lied to your first wife when you were courting wife number 2,3 and 4. As for the ladies, don’t get me started. Why do you get married and switch the heaven from your mother to your husband, only to betray your husband and thus, never even could smell heaven, let alone enter it (for Muslim women, when they are not married, heaven is metaphorically under their mother’s feet, things change when they are married, they have to be loyal to their husband as heaven is metaphorically under the husband’s feet).

I don’t understand why they got married and have children, only to do every single thing that they possibly can to jeopardize what they have. Sure, I could tolerate many things in a relationship, but infidelity is definitely the deal breaker. And speaking from my experience, nobody in this world wants to share the love, intimate love that you have with another person. So, why did these people still continue having secret relationships when they got the person they have been married with waiting at home? To ‘test market’, of course.