Thursday, September 30, 2010

These words swimming around in the air
No conclusion
No reservation
We are free
And trapped under our own vices
You say it is all was to end
With black rivers and gray sky
With blank night and scorching day
Would we make it through?
Would we defend this?
Or would we scatter around like a bunch of no balls pricks?

I SHOULD HAVE WORN THAT A LONG TIME AGO

Have been living for 24 years.
Have been a teacher for almost 2 months.
Have been called “lawa”, “kiut”, “comel”, “cantik” for two days in a row at school.
My exes never even said that.
All they could see was I am a fat bitch.

Say, still wonder why being a teacher is the best?

P/S: Note to self- should buy more Syrian headscarf >_<
In my days at school, there was no particular class that I could not wait to have. Everything seemed so slow and the days seemed to stretch so long that you thought it would never end. But alas, high school ended and the agonizing anticipation started (well, I did not anticipate too much when it came to university application). Why? Because nothing in life excites me anymore. I don’t see the point of waiting for something or someone that you don’t even know existed. So, I learn to take each day as it comes. There is no fun waking up in the morning. And there is no bliss going to bed at night.

Everything in between is just a blurry memory.

When I got to go to my own class now, nothing beats me than a laugh from my student or some of them asking me, “Teacher, can we have more exercise like this?” Imagine your student asking for more tasks from you. Usually, they could not wait for the bell to ring. At mere 11 am in the morning, they already have their bags on their back, waiting for the minutes to tick by so that it would be the time for them to go back home.

I am a pessimist in a lot of things. I don’t believe in a lot of things. And I cease hope in every little things that you people hype up about. But if there is one thing that I believe. And that is every student has the capability to learn and they have the right to be taught, that life is not just about getting strings of A’s on a piece of certificate but to be a humble human being with compassion and clear conscience. No matter who they turn out to be, no matter what they vocation in life will be, they would always hold a special place in my head. There are the little people that taught me and continue teaching me that there are big lessons in life to be learned. They make me get out of bed every morning and make me realize there is a purpose for me.

IF YOU ONLY

If you could see the things in my mind
You would not feel sorry for who I am

If you could hear this whispering in my ear
You would not spend a second to look at me

If you could see this writing in my heart
You would not spare a glance at my name

Things have not been right
It is different but it stays the same
It is normal but it stays wrong
This is the face that you see everyday
You put up barriers to block those images
But the view keeps haunting you
No matter where you run
No matter where you hide
You would always be caught

Scream loudly
Fight bravely
Blood poured
Tears shed

We are all afraid to see the daylight
We are all to go out of our houses
The wall might be there but the roof is missing
The door might be there but the windows are all smashed up

There is no solution for what we are fighting
There is no heaven for the hell on earth
There is no redemption for the ghastly sins we committed

But the sky is there for you.
The sun is up for you.
The rain is falling for you.
The wind is blowing for you.
We are dead.

Monday, September 27, 2010

I saw two of my students being given the 'rotan' today.

It felt as if my heart was being given the 'rotan' instead.

GUESSING GAME

When I was in school, I hated teachers who were condescending and touched on sensitive issues like the way you look or how much you weigh.

To be exact, I still remember my Math teacher who said, “Kalau Bahira duk kt depan ni, abes semua org tak nampak papan putih ni.”
And I still remember my Religion Studies teacher who said, “Oi, tepi la sket, mentang2 la dia besar, abes di block nye satu jalan.”

Yes, people. Those are the exact words that I will still continue to remember for as long as I have a memory.

When it is my turn to be one, I try as hard as I can to treat my students the way I want to be treated when I was a student. I try to treat them with respect, as a human being. It is rather a tedious task to do, considering the fact that some of my students refuse to see me as a teacher and think it is okay not to stand when I enter their class. Not a small thing you say? Well, try this. One student ripped up my worksheet and crumpled it and threw it away. The worksheet that I printed out in colour and tediously edited to give to them, so that they would be excited to attempt it. The only thing they were excited about was whether the paper would tear if they rip it.

I try as hard as I can not to call them names that I would not be proud of if someone call me by that names too. It is an easy feat to do considering the fact that they cannot sit still for more than 3 seconds, and constantly begging to go to the computer lab or the library to escape work. In the lab, they could play songs and play games that you and I used to play during our dinosaur’s years. In the library, they can enjoy the air-cord and roll around on the carpet.

My dearest, I don’t care if you are not A scorers, string of A’s is not the ultimate deciding factor for your life ahead. I don’t care if you don’t wear shoes to class because the money is more important for you to eat than to but shoes with. But puh-leasse, be a civilised human being and even if you don’t have the interest to come to school, just pretend to be interested for my class so that I would not be tempted to be mad at you and ask you to get out of my class (which you would most probably enjoy since you got butt rash from sitting on the chair in class for a whole lesson).

Yeah people, guess what is my job?

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Why do you have to make things so complicated?
Not everybody can follow your goddamn rules.
Not everybody is so free to accord to your whims and fancy.
I refuse to listen to your hullaballoo.
Because your opinion does not worth a cent.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

PLATE NUMBERS

Got plate numbers to sell?
I want to buy NB 25 or RA 25.
Contact me here/Leave a comment and your details.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

61 words

Typing Test

NO SENSE

NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING SOMETHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING



In every nonsense there is always a reason.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I will tear you apart, I will.
I will take you out, I will.

INDEPENDENCE

I have this sinking feeling
This chaos would never end
You never have any inkling
This scar is hard to mend

We shout for attention
You turn your back on us
We sign the bare petition
It’s all for the lack of trust

You dupe us with new laws
Pretending it’s for the mass
Our hands are tied behind our backs
While you wreck in all the mess

You play with semantics
Twisting words and their meanings
We are tired of your antics
And your stoic standings

Because your agenda is showing
Your propaganda is showing
We all are suffocating
Your promises are no good
Just empty barrels to fill the void
To cover up the dirty deed

You tell us to be grateful
For a nation that seems peaceful
We are nothing but fools
We are nothing but your tools

We sit in our regrets
For broken souls and traded lives
We cross our hearts to repent
Only to mourn our wasted effort spent

The walls are empty
We seek our bounty
You pretend to care
While you can’t wait to tear

The stripes are pretty clear
The colours are way better
We plead our undying declaration
For a defected creation.

CENSOR

Lull me into silence
With your mashed up lullaby
Probe me with confusion
With your sweet jingles

Maybe I give a thought
For words that never do
Maybe I should render a feeling
For actions that never speak

Beat me into submission
With your twister tales
Leave me without explanation
With your senseless occupation

You told me to get lost
You told me to go die
I get lost in your lies
I go to die in your betrayal

What a brilliant way
To mask your vicious self
What an excellent solution
To cover up your filthy being

Snoop around in your curiosity
Everybody’s business is your subject
Everybody’s problems are your concern
Nobody needs an intervention
When they have an unemployed occupation

So you think it is amusing
To cook up an invisible storm
When people are addicted
You become the honorary mediator
Not to mention the ever ready translator
What about a volunteered facilitator
You are after all,
The jack of all trades and the master of none.

21 DAYS

BM, BI, MT, SNS, SEJ, GEO, PAI, KHB
Does any of these make sense to you?

MY MINE ME

My calf is good to bite.
My ass is good to pinch.
My eye is good to blur.
My stomach is good to jingle.
My hand is good to scar.
My face is good to oil.
My hair is good to fall.
My ear is good to pierce.
My foot is good to cycle.
My brain is good to go.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

FUCK IT! ARE YOU LISTENING, NOW?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

SMS

“I am sure you will find someone better.”
“You would not be alone. Some guy would be with you eventually, I promise.”

Those are comforting nobody.

Well, maybe those comfort you. To ease that feeling of guilt and assholeness that you feel in your gut right now.

Next time, it is over, suck it up and take the blame. Don’t point that filthy finger at me just for being a punching bag for you.

All you ever wanted was someone to pass the time with, while you put up fake pretences to win the heart of those fools who didn’t know what a bastard you can be.

“Oi, kau ni jantan takde bijik ker?”
Yeah, you.

IN BETWEEN LIES

The were some big holes in the sky.
Ready to swallow me whole.

You will pay for what you did.
No amount of pleadings and prayers and save you.

The time will come when you wake up in the middle of the night and see my face staring back at you.

The time will come when you look down on that guiltless pleasure and see my face staring back at you.

The time will come when you wipe the tears of that child and see my face staring back at you.

The clouds would not shield you.
They decided to bail.
No-one wants to cover your ugliness and mistakes anymore.

If the very person who brings you into this world condemns you,
Where would that leave you?

HEAD IN MY HANDS

I feel left out.
Period.
The sun shines but I feel cold.
The wind blows but emptiness embraces me.

Would the sun rise for me?
Would the moon shine for me?

When would I be happy?
Totally laugh out loud and ignore those smirks around me?
When would I totally be cured?
Of these thoughts and dreams that never existed?

Where would I find the truth?
Where would I search for the right path?

What have I done?
What have I left behind?

Nothing but countless useless attempts at happiness.
Nothing but mountains of misery and rivers of sorrow.
Nothing but futile feats and teary pleadings.

Have some compassion.
Have some mercy.

Good riddance, so long.
Your attendance is not required.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

LOVE STORY

i couldn't keep a relationship for 5 minutes.

i ticked off the dude i'm chatting with easily with my sarcastic and moronic reply.

my world revolves around me, i am very self-centered and some called me anti-social.

how i am going to find my better half, i am musing over that myself.

nonetheless, HAPPY 30th ANNIVERSARY TO MAMA & PAPA.

P/S:maybe i'm not their kid considering the fact i'm nothing like them in the relationship department..heheh

Monday, September 13, 2010

FROGS AND KISSES

the only thing that is keeping us apart is the world map.

if only your place can be moved next to where i am typing at this very moment.

i am not afraid to get hurt.

all i am afraid us is not trying and keep wondering 'what if?'

it does not always have a happy ending.

but it is worth a shot.

rather than sitting and pondering over what could have been.

even when it is over, you and i know what have happened.

we could end our worries and you can carry on with your cheating.

i am tired of kissing frogs.

they are green and slimy and annoying and filthy.

people cut them open to see what their inside looks like.

which i could do that to you.

so i know what were you thinking when you were lying and thought nobody could ever find out.

you think it is amusing to be a bastard and a coward.

if you think i am not good enough, you better take a coconut shell and pee in it and see your reflection in it.

you are no babe, cold stuff.
let's hope by the time i'm 31, i won't have time for this anymore.

BoReDoM

sometimes i wash my face and then pee.

then, i wipe my face and forgot to wipe my a$$.
it's time of the year again.

i don't care where i am celebrating.


just as long as i can go to prayer with my family.

cut the cake with my family.

put all the biscuits in the jars with my family.

ask for forgiveness from my parents.

laugh at the lame ass television shows with my brother.

and cackle with laughter at The Exorcist with my brother (because the films and dramas on television are awfully boring.)
p/s:we do find The Exorcist awfully boring too, but usually we just skip the boring parts and go to the juicy parts, if you know what i mean >_<


and then, wait for my untie and uncle and cousins to come.

make Sunquick plus Syrup for them.

roar with laughter with the jokes by my uncle who adores P.Ramlee.

wish my other auntie and uncle and cousins the compulsory wishes (my mom just call them, better than typing long-winded 'pantun' to them)

make Sunquick and Syrup again for those who come.

go out with my brother to buy more ice and fill up water.

making a detour and go to the beach to camwhore with my brother.


things that i hate and never miss and wish do not have to happen:
1.packing up my brother's luggage because he has to go back studying.
2.ridiculous wishes from ex.
3.stupid remarks and questions about my physical being and personal stuff. how would you like it if i ask you "why there is so many acne on your face?" or "why not pick any Tom, Dick or Harry to make babies with?"
4.noisy children and oblivious parents. pssst,your kids are strewing the content of my pineapple tarts on my Turkish carpet. here take this vacuum cleaner and pick up after your kids.
5.no,i am not planning to waste my salary (which i didn't get yet, so stop asking for money from me) on a brand new car that i could not even afford to mantain.
6.yes, we all make our own cookies.
7.no, my hair colour is original.
8.now, now be nice and stop comparing each other's riches.

the thing that i will miss the most is taking family photos and be one complete happy family despite all the troubles in the world. when there are four of us, the outside world matter no more.

N/A

how does it feel like to be abandoned?

how does it to feel like to wait and be disappointed?

how does it feel like to wish for the impossible to happen?


your mother,
waiting and wishing.

you didn't come from her womb,
but she took you under her wings.

is this the way you show your insolence?
being charmed under the spell of the witch?

hope i will never be like you.
i have to be strong.
i didn't shed a tear because someone has to be stoic.
i know you are in a good place.

bye-bye for now.
'till we meet again.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

EDWARD COWARD

for those who read silently and leave no comments but instead comment about this to other people who think they still have even an ounce of importance to my feelings and my doings, i refuse to spend my precious time mulling over the fact why you, yes you could not forget me. Nor do i have the slightest intention to ever think about you in the first place.

Blah.

Blab away but unless you are really sure it is in fact you i am talking about, shoot me.

because when we were together you don't even want to know if i am alive or dead, now i don't think you have the right to know what i am about to do or say.

and that dirty trick of requesting something out of me that you would never deserve by using other people, that is just so you.

COWARD.

Monday, September 6, 2010

i have no mood about graduation.

i have no mood to meet you.

i have no mood to go anywhere without some money in my pocket.

i have no mood to look at your perfect life.

i have no mood to update my status.

i have no mood to wait for things that never happen.

i have no mood for your pretentious motive.

i have no mood to answer every stupid questions.

i have no mood to remember what i was like.

i have no mood to notice everything that is out of place.

i have no mood to argue.

i have no mood to kiss ass.

i have no mood to correct the wrongs that have been done.

i have no mood TO LIVE.

Friday, September 3, 2010

JOHN DOLMAYAN. P/S: I LOVE YOU!!!

John Dolmayan responded to my post on his wall!!

How cool is that?

I know I totally sound like a groupie whore right now but I don't care!

How often do you get an international star to response to your post on his wall?
What's the probability for that?

He put a smile on my face all night long.
My heart thumped and my brain was frozen for a second.

Who knows maybe he'll visit me tonight in my dreams :)

Keeping my fingers crossed, y'all!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

PROSPECTIVE

Willing.
For something to happen.

Wishing.
For silly old me to awaken.

Maybe you were too good to be true.
Maybe you don’t deserve me.
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

I ought to stop when I told you,
It was hurting me.

I ought to stop when I told you,
It was hurting me.

You never listen.
You were busy mending your broken heart.
I couldn’t see,
But you blinded me with your hopeless hopes and dreamless dreams.

World,
You were that to me.
My holy mountains.
My parted seas.
My almighty sun.
My majestic moon.

But now, my world crumbles,
And so do you.
All you are good to me now is crumbled cookies.
I might dip you in hot milk.
So, you’ll be in my belly.
And go out of my body from you know where.

LOLLYPOP

Driving around the valley of voluptuous
She shudders and he surrenders
They work it up and down low
They want it all along and all the way
What’s life is but a series of unforgivable sins?

They make it good
They moan it loud

Pleasurable paradise
On a secret rendezvous

Cupcakes and strawberry shakes
Big Mac and Cheezy Wedges

In between they merge into one
Into delicate undulated urges

She curls her toes and he grimaces

They return to their humble abode
Hoping to rejoice once again
In each other’s sweet embrace.