32

It’s been a long time since I updated this blog. I guess life happens and I didn’t have the time to update on my mundane happenings of my life. Where do I begin?

I have been in what I thought was a close friendship for 8 years. SMS, WhatsApp every day. Phone calls every now and then. Then, suddenly this year, she distanced herself from me. OK….I confronted her and asked her whether I did anything wrong. When I went to her room, she coldly asked me what I was doing there. I would never forget that face and that tone of voice. I regretted my last ditch effort to save what I thought was a friendship. When she was sick, my parents and I even visited her in the hospital. However, when I didn’t go to school for a week due to Menorrghia, she only asked trough WhatsApp group, probably just to keep her reputation (to show other members in that group that she pretended to care). No phone call, no SMS, no WhatsApp, nothing. Is that how a friend is supposed to act? I might be stupid but I know when my presence is not needed. So I go. And I haven’t looked back still.

I have deleted all our pictures. I have deleted her number. I have not been to her room in ages. She said I should not depend on her and should not have high expectation of her. She was right. I was a pompous fool for believing that I can trust someone. Luckily, I have not told her the darkest secret that I have, or else I would never forgive myself.

I was in the deepest pit of hell. I cried every day. Felt useless. Thought about suicide again. How can someone change completely and totally disregard the memories collected for 8 years? Then, I recalled my college years. That’s how it has always been. I am just an OPTION. Not a CHOICE. So when somebody better comes along, I was ditched. As simple as that.

But God is fair. I’ve always prayed to be surrounded by true friend and find the love of my life.

And God answered. He took away that one person whom I thought was my best friend and gave me many in return. People who called me and inquired about my health even though I am not the most sociable person on planet Earth.

And I think I have found my soul mate. The one. Sometimes, it’s creepy how we can read each others’ minds. He could tell when I am not feeling myself. And when I have something on my mind. He’s amazing. We do not date that much. Which is good as absence makes the heart grows fonder. I love his eyebrows, his moustache, his hair. We finish each others’ sentences. When I am about to message him, he will be messaging me first. I know when I fall in love, I fall hard. This is my relationship after 8 years, after that shitty asshole piece of work who broke my heart into million pieces and I though nobody could glue it back together again. But then again we have only known each other for 2 months. But we feel like we have known each other for a long time. Stupid isn’t it? This thing called love. You don’t know when it will happen. And when it finally does, it hits you like a bullet train.

4K 2016 and 5K 2017

Some are still unchanged but that's only one or two persons. So, on a whole, I believe I have done a good job with them. And hopefully, I might have a small role in making them good human beings, regardless whether they pass or fail in English.

My birthday_251017

I thought yesterday was the final celebration. Turned out, it was not! 5K surprised me with balloons (red like in rhe movie It..hehe), scarf and bouquet of chocolates. Amirah also gave me a melodious birthday card! I'm truly touched. It'll be hard saying goodbye once school is over :(

Advanced Birthday Celebration by 4MPT_241017

No words can describe my utmost euphoria for being celebrated by my girls!

They went the extra miles to arrange all sorts of chocolates into a bouquet. So creative and thoughtful!

Reunion 3S 2015 & Advanced Birthday Celebration

I'll always treasure these moments. I've been blessed with a happy family, good friends and courteous students.

My life is indeed good!

Loner Leia

I think a couple of years ago, we met via mutual interest (what's that interest, you might ask, it's ganging up against douchebags) on Facebook!

Today, we met in KB because she came here for work :)

EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY

I've neglected this for so long. I guess I have been feeling better, or so I think. Until today when I went to the canteen and nobody wanted to sit with me. Oh, so juvenile, that's what most of you would probably say. But try saying that to someone who has been having social anxiety. Fear of talking on the phone because I would sound stupid when saying the wrong things. Fear of talking to people because I would make the conversation awkward. Fear of replying to messages because people might be mistaking my messages and thinking the worst of me. That is how I have been feeling.

Then, came a lady who might have good intention, asking me who was eating alone "Seorang je ke? Lalu ke makan?" (Alone? Have the appetite to eat?) GODDDDDDDDDDDD

There I was, trying not to snap, eating while food lodged in my throat, while the next table was packed with people who pretended they were my friends.

I hate them all. Their laughs, their fakeness, their over-excited attitude. Why didn't they sit with me when there were 3 empty chairs around the table. Noooooooooo, they'd rather packed themselves to the small table instead of sitting next to contagious, old me.

This has been happening since school. So much so when nobody wanted to sit with me, as soon as the bell for recess rang, I would be springing to the canteen and fuck everybody, to eat. Alone, on the bench, at the canteen. Which is a such a mortal sin. At an all-girls school.

Then, college came and the friends hadn't come. It was good at the beginning. Everyone seemed non-judgemental. Then, the feelings came and I started to feel like they liked me just because they wanted to steal my notes and copy my assignments. Then, when the asshole/boyfriend offered himself, I thought my lonely days were over. I thought I had someone who I could count on and never had to look for someone else ever again. Yet, I was still wrong. I was lucky to get out of the relationship alive. Intact. I was lucky I did not have the balls to go through with slitting my wrists or heading on into a lorry on my scooter. I thanked God everyday that my mind was still working and my body managed to survive the torture I put it through.

Now, in this supposedly professional institution of teaching a.k.a the school a.k.a love-hate relationship (love the money, hate the people), things happen again. The feelings haunt me again. It seems there is no escape. At all. I think now i understand why some people who look happy, who has everything, who has someone to love, ends up hanging themselves or shooting themselves in the head. Because the feelings are still there, no matter how hard you try to escape from them. The voices in your head refuse to go. They linger, taunting you, making you feel unwanted. You turn to God, you pray and you weep. Still, they are still there. Reminding you of who you are. Every single damn day.