WAITING

So, a trend has developed with me and this blog. I have another blog, where I have to pretend I am a meek little worker posting pictures and commenting about every single programme happening in school.

If this blog is my boyfriend, dah lama dia angkat kaki. Being ignored for months on end and not being given any initiative to live.

The reason I am writing is I am bored. Waiting for a new boss to my school. Nothing to do and I have no class at the moment prompt me to drop another posting in this blog.

What I want to write is about using force in school. I use it sometimes with my students. Even to the level of threatening students to write essays or I call their mom or dad. It is fun when you are doing it to your 'helpless' (yep, so 'helpless' that even if a teacher put a finger on them, their parents would be running to the newspaper in the blink of an eye) students.

However, when you are at the receiving end of the threats, things are not so goddamn rosy it seems. For example, when you are being threatened to pay for a dinner you have no intention of attending because tomorrow is a school day (although it is Saturday, which by the way if you're in Kelantan, IS A HOLIDAY! Who was the genius who started the idea to replace the school on Saturday. Like what my mom says, tak bodoh kalau budak-budak tak belajar sehari dan tak bijak pun budak-budak dalam masa sehari). But you still have to pay because it is COMPULSORY.

Damn, are we still in preschool? Where everything is dictated by someone older than you?

You might say, why didn't I say something about it since I am so vehemently opposing to the idea, Ms Smarty Pants? I once said something, voicing my opinion but soon after, I was humiliated in a public meeting and people would not look at me in the eyes, so my attitude nowadays is What the Fuck Do I Care. The school could collapse and I will be sitting by eating ice-cream under a shady tree while wearing my Sunday best outfit, clapping every one now and then and the pieces of buildings falling down one by one.

Apparently, nobody has any balls to oppose to these stupid rules so everybody has to go. Sucks, isn't it? But what to do. We live everyday to impress others and deluding them into believing that we are are noble beings. NOT!

UNROSY

So I have not been writing for quite some time in this blog. Usually, before this, my blog posts coincide with how shitty I am feeling. I guess I have not felt shitty for a while, or things could not have been any shittier but I managed to dodge that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness by numbing myself by reading ebooks in the dark before going to sleep and watching movie after getting home from work.

Shit at work has not been rosy lately and I could not say that it has ever been that way. Maybe I am the young, unexperienced new teacher who knows not of the office politics. By office politics, I mean ass-kissing and assoholic behavior.

Those who are experienced ass-kisser escape work just by complementing the boss on her outfit for the day. At 9 a.m., they go out of school to have breakfast at the selection of ‘kedai nasi belauk’ around the school. Then, again, at 1 p.m., they go home to do laundry or to breastfeed their babies or to pick up their kids.

When non ass-kissers do the same, they will be given ‘surat tunjuk sebab’ and humiliated in meetings.

Sure, the world is unfair and I should just zip it and stop whining like a little bitch. But when injustice is staring me straight in the face, I feel the need to speak up instead of taking it like it is. And where has it gotten me? Humiliated beyond imagination in meetings. They are sneaky people. They would not say your name and make the insult specific. So if you accused them of publicly humiliating you, they can defend their sorry self by saying, “Eh tak sebut nama siapa-siapa pun tadi.” That’s how low they stoop.

And also these people have just known the wonderful world of free chatting. So with the new favourite app, they have gone completely ape shit with the new technology. So far as to create an ‘offical’ group for the school. Again, this app has been misused to display pictures of teachers, uhmm, ass-kissers, pretending to do their job and taking loads of pictures to prove that they are doing their job. And the higher power believe them and started firing all sorts of encouraging symbols to show their support.

Other people who work their ass off but could not be bothered to post pictures fell by the way side. And the higher power assume these lazy son of bitches are not doing their work just because they are not glued to their phone, ordering stuff online on Facebook and Whatsapping, posting every pictures at every photo ops. Strange and unbelievable but you best believe it, because it is 100% the truth and nothing but the truth.

You might say that I am anti-social and have not learned the ways of how to survive in an office. But if this what my earning and source of finance comes from, I feel nauseous to go on like this. When the bad gets what they need and the good is only needed to finish the half-assed job of the bad. When the bad can get away with anything but for the good, millions of tasks completed before are overlooked for just one small itsy bitsy mistake. And if you belong to the bad, curse you.

WHINER

So, I had to come for a course in Nilai, Negeri Sembilan. It was in the middle of nowhere and we had to google it before being able to find it. When I finally got to the hostel (imagine that, I haven’t said that word for the last 4 years) and suddenly I was faced with the possibility of boredom looming over me for the next 3 days.

Sad to say, having to stay in a hostel brought back memories that I was trying so hard to forget. Let me say I spent the last 4 years erasing these memories little by little so that I wouldn’t have nightmares about them. Yes, I had nightmares about those times at the hostel. Like when I had to walk from my block to the class. Well, this time around, we don’t have to walk for a long period of time, a bus is provided, speaking of which, I haven’t been in a bus for quite some time. Again, it brought back memories where I had to fight for my life for a bus ticket when I was studying in Johor Bahru to get back home in Kota Bharu. It was a nightmare (again, that devilish word) having this blackness at the pit of your stomach waiting for the tickets to be sold and then when it was finally sold, I went to the bus station only to find the tickets were all sold out. Yeah, I hate riding on a bus.

As for the hostel, I felt like a student all over again. And without my trusted Saga, I felt incomplete. At times of deprivation like this, I started to be thankful and grateful of what I have. But I guess, it is human nature to miss something only when you don’t have it anymore. So that’s that,

Add horrible food to that, I am so going to have a feast when I am back home. All this walking and not having a bathroom in the room and having to be modest all the time (I could go au natural but I am afraid others would not enjoy it so much) and not being able to be in control (hashtag waiting for bus, hashtag breakfast is not ready yet, hashtag bathroom stalls are full) suck.

However, after whining to myself and stop being a bitch that I really am, I started to think of how selfish I can be when I had it all but some kids at other parts of the world had nothing. So that shut me up for a while until there’s something that ticks me off and I might have to whine about it again.

Seoul Garden@KB Mall

My family love to dine out all the time. And when there's a new restaurant in town, we would be there to 'officiate' it..hehe

So back in JB when I was studying, I've been to Seoul Garden and when my brother was studying in Penang, we also went there.

However, the branch in KB has to win the award for first class and world class customer service. The waiters and waitresses were very friendly and the atmosphere was conducive for an unforgettable culinary experience.

The manager, Josh was more than willing to explain to us the different types of sauce available. And there was an endless choice of food and beverages. Although it's a bit pricey compared to Betel Valley or other chim chum (steamboat and grill) places, but I have to say, it's worth it.

That and a good time with my family made it a memorable time!

BOREDOM

Tomorrow the SPM result will be out. And I know it has been ages since I posted anything here. Ever since I graduated from my second degree, the value of writing has eluded my daily life plan as there are a whole lot of other pressing matters that I was not so accustomed to before but now, I sort of like has to make up for those time I did not have the time to deal with before due to my busy and compact life.

Truth be told, I miss those time where I did not have the time to think as my days including my weekend were preoccupied with assignments and school work. Where I did not have the time to cut my nails or go to a barbershop (I cut my own hair, FYI) but I was happy with that because I did not have the time to ponder and think about the sorry state of my life.

After graduating, life seems empty, although not that much as school work catches up with me with a vengeance. I miss the feeling of turning on my laptop with thousands of things to do, i.e assignments, PowerPoint presentations and others. I swear if I did my third degree after this, one of the determining factors would be I am bored and I need some actions in life (some people take drugs and some people blow up cars) and by actions I meant piling paperwork that require my presence on a chair and table for half the day.

The truth is I am in a course and I am freaking bored and I have nothing to do. But I have my laptop with me with stable WiFi connection so I typed this with no intention and direction for this writing to go. And the one giving the course is boring and kept messing up his laptop connection to the projector and everytime it is disconnected, we have to wait. I much rather stay in school and chit-chat with my fellow colleagues from the best English Panel in the world. Plus, the course stretches until tomorrow and again I much rather stay in school and look at the teary faces of my students who will be taking their SPM results. And it’ll be a good time to tell them, ‘I told you so!”

KRAPPI CALL_MY BRO Y'ALL_250214

Here's the link http://soundcloud.com/media-prima-radio/krappi-call-taylor-swift-fan

EMPTY

Once in a awhile, I get this sort of feeling of hopelessness. Everything adds up to one big hole inside this even bigger hole called my heart. I know it sounds so melodramatic and people give me all sorts of suggestions, maybe you should g to the gym, maybe you should get married, maybe you should find God. Trust me, it doesn’t work. Nothing works. Nothing surprises me anymore. Nothing can invoke the slightest emotion in me. It’s like there is a big black hole inside of me, really big black hole that would swallow me whole if I let it.

Even with people around, I still feel out of place. I never stop feeling out of place. I never stop feeling people only need me when they need something from me. I never stop feeling I am worthless and I am not worthy of anything. I never stop feeling I am falling and it just won’t stop and if I am dead one day, only then, I would stop feeling. But we never know what would happen if we are dead, right?

No amount of material things could make me happy. They said you should see other people happy in order for you to be happy. I bought stuff to the people around me and see them happy and it makes me happy, only for a second. Only for that brief moment and then that feeling disappear altogether. I taught at an urban school before and a lot of the kids there have divorced parents. Parents who bought them expensive gift (to bribe their love, probably) and still I see their empty stares and upside down smiles and now I know how they feel. Having parents and having everything that they ever wanted. Yet, still feeling empty.

All that money in the bank, still makes me unhappy. And when I am unhappy, I watched depressing movies. For example, Her. Have you ever watched that movie. It is DEPRESSING with a capital D. it is about this guy who got divorced and living a lonely life until he bought an OS (Operating System) and he fell in love with it. It referring to the OS. And they have a relationship (not that it is surprising, by the way we are always ogling at our phone and tablet, I’d say it is a big possibility that 10 years from now we will have people getting married with OS’s). Soon, he got too involved and he got jealous of the OS who apparently has a life (even more of a life than him, the human) joining chat rooms and stuff. And eventually, she walks away (well, not literally) but she left him. An OS left a human being. An OS cheats on a human being. How’s that for show?

Do you get that feeling of loneliness? When watching a movie is like stab to the heart. Because the loser in that movie is you. Me. Who got shitted and cheated over and over again. Like a sore loser. Whose life only revolves around thing. One thing that I claim I never need. But I think about it every single waking moment of my life. LOVE. As if that can cure everything. I had it. I hated it. Still, I think it can cure me of anything. Because that how the movie always ended. The loser ended up winning in the end and get the girl or the boy. But that not how it works in real life. Nobody gets everything they want in life. You might get married. But then your spouse lives far away. You might be rich but your other half cheats on you. You might be spiritually connected but you feel envious of others and cannot help to criticize what they did because you believe they are not up to your standards. You might have a loving family but inside you crumbles silently because it is not your place to complain. And if you have all these and still feel empty, join the club. I am not married. I am not rich. I am not that spiritually connected. Still, I feel worthless and dumb and loserific.

And you know you will live with it, day in, day out.