These words swimming around in the air
No conclusion
No reservation
We are free
And trapped under our own vices
You say it is all was to end
With black rivers and gray sky
With blank night and scorching day
Would we make it through?
Would we defend this?
Or would we scatter around like a bunch of no balls pricks?

I SHOULD HAVE WORN THAT A LONG TIME AGO

Have been living for 24 years.
Have been a teacher for almost 2 months.
Have been called “lawa”, “kiut”, “comel”, “cantik” for two days in a row at school.
My exes never even said that.
All they could see was I am a fat bitch.

Say, still wonder why being a teacher is the best?

P/S: Note to self- should buy more Syrian headscarf >_<

In my days at school, there was no particular class that I could not wait to have. Everything seemed so slow and the days seemed to stretch so long that you thought it would never end. But alas, high school ended and the agonizing anticipation started (well, I did not anticipate too much when it came to university application). Why? Because nothing in life excites me anymore. I don’t see the point of waiting for something or someone that you don’t even know existed. So, I learn to take each day as it comes. There is no fun waking up in the morning. And there is no bliss going to bed at night.

Everything in between is just a blurry memory.

When I got to go to my own class now, nothing beats me than a laugh from my student or some of them asking me, “Teacher, can we have more exercise like this?” Imagine your student asking for more tasks from you. Usually, they could not wait for the bell to ring. At mere 11 am in the morning, they already have their bags on their back, waiting for the minutes to tick by so that it would be the time for them to go back home.

I am a pessimist in a lot of things. I don’t believe in a lot of things. And I cease hope in every little things that you people hype up about. But if there is one thing that I believe. And that is every student has the capability to learn and they have the right to be taught, that life is not just about getting strings of A’s on a piece of certificate but to be a humble human being with compassion and clear conscience. No matter who they turn out to be, no matter what they vocation in life will be, they would always hold a special place in my head. There are the little people that taught me and continue teaching me that there are big lessons in life to be learned. They make me get out of bed every morning and make me realize there is a purpose for me.

IF YOU ONLY

If you could see the things in my mind
You would not feel sorry for who I am

If you could hear this whispering in my ear
You would not spend a second to look at me

If you could see this writing in my heart
You would not spare a glance at my name

Things have not been right
It is different but it stays the same
It is normal but it stays wrong
This is the face that you see everyday
You put up barriers to block those images
But the view keeps haunting you
No matter where you run
No matter where you hide
You would always be caught

Scream loudly
Fight bravely
Blood poured
Tears shed

We are all afraid to see the daylight
We are all to go out of our houses
The wall might be there but the roof is missing
The door might be there but the windows are all smashed up

There is no solution for what we are fighting
There is no heaven for the hell on earth
There is no redemption for the ghastly sins we committed

But the sky is there for you.
The sun is up for you.
The rain is falling for you.
The wind is blowing for you.
We are dead.

I saw two of my students being given the 'rotan' today.

It felt as if my heart was being given the 'rotan' instead.

GUESSING GAME

When I was in school, I hated teachers who were condescending and touched on sensitive issues like the way you look or how much you weigh.

To be exact, I still remember my Math teacher who said, “Kalau Bahira duk kt depan ni, abes semua org tak nampak papan putih ni.”
And I still remember my Religion Studies teacher who said, “Oi, tepi la sket, mentang2 la dia besar, abes di block nye satu jalan.”

Yes, people. Those are the exact words that I will still continue to remember for as long as I have a memory.

When it is my turn to be one, I try as hard as I can to treat my students the way I want to be treated when I was a student. I try to treat them with respect, as a human being. It is rather a tedious task to do, considering the fact that some of my students refuse to see me as a teacher and think it is okay not to stand when I enter their class. Not a small thing you say? Well, try this. One student ripped up my worksheet and crumpled it and threw it away. The worksheet that I printed out in colour and tediously edited to give to them, so that they would be excited to attempt it. The only thing they were excited about was whether the paper would tear if they rip it.

I try as hard as I can not to call them names that I would not be proud of if someone call me by that names too. It is an easy feat to do considering the fact that they cannot sit still for more than 3 seconds, and constantly begging to go to the computer lab or the library to escape work. In the lab, they could play songs and play games that you and I used to play during our dinosaur’s years. In the library, they can enjoy the air-cord and roll around on the carpet.

My dearest, I don’t care if you are not A scorers, string of A’s is not the ultimate deciding factor for your life ahead. I don’t care if you don’t wear shoes to class because the money is more important for you to eat than to but shoes with. But puh-leasse, be a civilised human being and even if you don’t have the interest to come to school, just pretend to be interested for my class so that I would not be tempted to be mad at you and ask you to get out of my class (which you would most probably enjoy since you got butt rash from sitting on the chair in class for a whole lesson).

Yeah people, guess what is my job?

Why do you have to make things so complicated?
Not everybody can follow your goddamn rules.
Not everybody is so free to accord to your whims and fancy.
I refuse to listen to your hullaballoo.
Because your opinion does not worth a cent.