Sunday, November 14, 2010

One of the feelings that I had to have is the feeling of helplessness.

Not being able to decide things for yourself, not able to steer your life the way you want it, having to wait for people to do something that you can by yourself- all these bullshits really mess with my mind.

I hated not being in control of what I have to do, of what I have to plan, and the thought of having to stall your life just because other people don’t do their work is just mere frustrating.

If the universe has simple order of things to keep life going, then human beings too should have some order to keep their life to spin out of control.

And that power to keep things in order need to be agreed upon so everybody would understand the role they play instead of keep pointing their fat finger to one another for fear of admitting their own mistakes because they were just too afraid to admit they screw up.

I have my ego too but when it comes to admitting mistakes, I shut up and stop pretending that it wasn’t me. One thing is because I suck at pretending. I don’t know how to butter up something so that the bitter truth would not spill out like bile rushing out of your throat. If you know me, I have straight face and to make it simpler, if you see me you would say that “muka takde perasaan”, which I found very insulting and demeaning, likening the fact that I am like a stone cold bitch who feels nothing.

Maybe their words came true like a prayer because there were a lot of emotional scarring which happened to me, so much so that when another one happen, I don’t know how to react and that causes me to keep that straight face. Not that I have no feeling, but then my heart becomes harden by every single turmoil and by now I have learned that nothing can deter me from that straight face and nothingness that I feel inside me.

I want to feel again. I want to anticipate things. I want to hope on people. I want to feel sad. I want to feel happy. I want to feel hurt. I want to feel something. Because it scares me not being able to feel anything at all, like I am not living a life.

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