# 9 BY MYSELF

Friends

Some are special
Some are worthless

Some stay with you till the end
Some leave you when you are breaking apart
Some even stab you in the back

Some encounter you to meet success
Some bring you down from the top

Some steal your guy

Some become your nightmare
Some become your sweetest dream

Some you trust
Some you ignore
Some you admire
Some you cursed


Why do you need them for?
 If they are so complicated
Don't need friends anymore
Just need myself.

P/S: I've always had this fear (in fact I still do) that nobody likes me. And my suspicion might be true considering how much of a bitch I am. When it is time for group work, I always have this uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach and there is like a giant bile, struggling to escape my throat. And usually other people would already have a fixed group of friends that they always look for in any assignments for every course. And I'm usually the last person to be picked for the group.

Do you know how it feels like? Like you are garbage by the roadside, nobody wants you, let alone be the one responsible to pick you up and put you where you belong? Sure, people say that I have a tough exterior and my face is void from any emotions but they don't know what is going on inside my heart. Everyday, I pray that people would like me, that nobody would hate seeing my face. After a while, I just stop trying. I realize God must be tired of listening to a whiny and insecure person like me.

The only time I'm good for is when there is nobody left to work with. For example, at the school canteen when all the tables are empty and I am the only one sitting at one of the tables so the person has no choice but to take a seat next to me, probably for fear of being called a loner or anti-social. Or when that person falls out from the group that he/she usually works with, I'm the number one choice for a rebound partner (if there is such a concept for friendship).

That's why one day I just woke up and said "Fuck it". I'm not going to allow other people dictate how I am supposed to live my life. I am not going to let others' inability to look at my face honestly to deter my will to live. That is how I got this ultra-thick face to sit alone at a crowded restaurant to eat. Or to shop alone for things that I need. Or to go to sleep without crying myself and believing in false hope that everything will turn out for the better eventually. Because I know it never will.