Thursday, February 7, 2013


I don't want to sound like a whiny bitch. I may slap a whining bitch myself who pretty much has everything other people are envious of but still want more. But in this post, I want and I think I deserve to whine because God and life sure do give me surprises that I feel I couldn't take anymore.

When you're walking with friends, in threes, there would always be that one friend who got lest behind and most of the time that friend would be me. The walkway is not wide enough for three people to walk together, making everybody happy and nobody suffers in silence over this stupid predicament. Yeah, it's a trivial matter but if it happens most of the time to the person (like me), you're bound to feel maybe God hates you and so do your friends.

Another thing that is a pain in the ass is when you've to attend some events, especially if those events are gov events, then you'll be required to attend them. They're compulsory so unless you've a bleeding internal organ, you've to go. Going there in separate cars you'll probably make a promise to see your colleagues at a specified spot and at an agreed time. In my case, I'll always sit alone because somehow the friend that promised to sit with me would be late or find some other colleagues to sit with. Yeah, it's a trivial matter but if it happens for as long as you live, you'll wonder whether companionship eludes you and God hates you.

The same happens in class; my first degree and my currently ongoing second degree wasn't and isn't happy moments. Don't get me wrong, I love the studying. What I don't like is the unspoken social rules. If you're not a member of the gang, then people would look a you in a weird way of you suddenly sit besides members of that particular gang. I don't see any James written on the chairs but still there's still this concept of "Eh, kau tolong chop kan tempat aku". Yeah, I think that's the most repeated and heard sentence of all times. Not just school children say it, adults say it too. We're so afraid to be the last one to be left behind. We're so terrified to be the hermit crab who got left alone. We're so scared to be the one that nobody wants to associate with. And that fear, I've been suffocating and suffering with for years. And I'm pretty sure for years to come.

Just something I've to carry in this heavy heart all the FUCKING time. Nobody ever give me a break to not be a freak. Once, I thought my bf would finally be my companion for life but he betrayed me as well, leaving me high and dry with nothing to grab on.

Now, you might say "Get over it!" or "He married someone else, move on!"
Well, it's easier said than done. Could you forgive someone who lied to you and your parents, saying that he wanted to make you his wife and that was the only reason he befriended you and declared a romantic relationship with you? Could you forget his mental abuse, calling you "bodoh", "Babi" and other words that were just too painful to be typed again here? Could you eve lived knowing this bastard who is a psychopath got the happiness he so doesn't deserve? No. I could never forgive, forget nor could I accept the fact he's happy with someone else and God gave him things that he is not supposed to get for all the deceits and superficiality he displayed for that amount of time when I though the relationship could have a happy ending. And no. I won't ever forgive and forget in this life or the next the hopes he had given to me, the promises he made which in the end were just empty words and you are left alone with nothing except your name and a tarnished reputation.

What kind of human being does that? Or better yet, what kind of animal has the heart to do what he did?

I hope his daughter will suffer the way I did. Only then I can die in peace. And to this long hard road out of hell, I just have to endure this contagious presence that nobody wants to get close too. I'm the one that is left behind. I'm the hermit crab. I'm the one nobody wants to associate with.

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