Tuesday, December 4, 2012


Back during my first degree, I was on the borderline of losing my mind. From the deep pit of loneliness and depression that I was feeling on a daily basis. I almost lost hope and started to think of ways to just end it all. Not a single day went by when I didn't think about it.

But the academic side of things helped me to fill up my life, albeit the stacks of notes and ridiculously expensive and thick books on methodologies and what not; these things kept me sane and company. If it wasn't for the depression and feeling of extreme hopelessness and betrayal that I were experiencing from the people that I loved the most, I don't think I could have gotten a first class degree.

God is fair. He made me fat and I felt unwanted every single second but He gave me an operable brain to fathom all these tertiary education theories and He also provided me with endless idea of what to write, both academically and creatively. He made me lonely with nobody to call my soul mate or whatever the shit people call their significant others nowadays, but He gave me an interest and passion in study to keep me focused to achieve my fullest potential. Before this, He disappointed me when I was put in a God forsaken place to study, 12 hours from home to teach me the importance of family and now He made sure I stay insane by posting me back to my hometown so that I have my family to keep a constant eye to me to make sure I don't do anything stupid ever again.

I don't think I can be a thick-skinned person if it weren't for the lowest and shittiest period in my life during my first degree. I gave my all to someone who treated me like I'm a doormat. Like I was invisible. Like I was a second choice. Good thing, God steered me away from that snake. I did some pretty messed up things when I was treated non-human like back then. But God saved me and He put me away from harm. I could have thrown my life away for something futile but He knew what was best for me and with His power, I graduated and became a teacher (despite being extremely introvert at school).

Right now, I believe everything happens for a reason. When we're in the dump and feel like killing somebody or ourselves, we can't see through the lies and deceit that we believe in to ease the pain and frustration that we're feeling. After a few years, now I am fully healed and I still get to maintain who I really am despite being hated by a few and loved by more. The thing is, I just could not fake myself to be engulfed in these pretense and temporary situations that some people can master perfectly when the chance arises. I am not an opportunist and a manipulator as I already knew how badly it hurts when people that you thought could be depended upon ended up stabbing you repeatedly until you lost count. but you still hung on, hoping that your sacrifices and acceptance would be acknowledged but hell no, in the end they just threw you away without any reason and good bye.

I'm terrified to feel those beyond horrible feelings that I felt back then. To not wake up and just curl up and never open your eyes and deal with the idiosyncrasies of the world. That's why I try to make myself busy with work, a second degree (this too will come to an end and I would have to find another activity to do on the weekends, music lessons perhaps?) and blogging or just writing pieces of poems and short stories here and there. Just something to do so that I would not be thinking of things that I have no control upon. I used to feel helpless on things that I did not want to do but I have to do. But now, I calm down a bit, as whatever meant to happen, will happen. Regardless you're ready or not, whether you like it or hate it. However, I still have some anger issues but it is under control. I don't have the urge to hurt myself or throw things around anymore. But I still curses on a daily basis. And although I'm wearing the hijab, and it is very uncharacteristic of me to swear, I couldn't help it. I think it is a lot better to let it out than to keep it bottled up and explode one day. Trust me, I know how that felt like. And it wasn't rosy either.

The only thing that is left for me is to remain this way. And be happy although my heart is still not fixable to this very day. I try to make the people around me happy. When they're happy, then hopefully their happiness oozes itself to me. Though it is not much, but it is enough to get by.

I saw happy people posting happy messages around me. I know I would not be as happy as they could be. I  don't hope for things. I have fear of getting hurt. I don't count on other people. Because the last time I did, I was the one who ended up with nothing.

I don't know if I ever getting married. I don't know if I ever have my own family. Every time my mom picks up kids' clothes at the supermarket, my heart sinks a little bit lower. Because I don't think any man could tolerate who I am and can accept me for my past, present, let alone the future.

But alas, everything happens for a reason. If only the people around me believe in that too.

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